“CRUELTY”- A LOVE STORY

love
Credits

How long will it take you to notice I’m  gone
How long till your heart is emptied out, like your empty arms
This is the last straw, the last firework shot up to the sky
In hopes that someone will see and come find me
I hope they will notice the shivers along my freezing skin
Hopefully they’ll have food and water and a blanket for me

I spent an hour telling myself I’m cruel
And it didn’t matter what you meant, what you said, even
The only voice was the one in my head
Cruel
For being sick
Cruel
For reaching out
Cruel
For putting you through the darkest paths I had to walk on; and you walked with me
Because I loved you and that
Was cruel of me.

But what is the definition of cruelty?

Is it my merciless cry for help
Knowing you cannot save me
Is it wanting you before me
Arms spread out, is it holding you
till you fall asleep?
Oh how cruel I am for loving every inch of you
How cruel that we made us all that we could be
You and I, that was the deal
Forevermore, we were sure
But how cruel are we to never give this up?
Is it cruel to love unconditionally,
in which case, we share the blame equally?

Or is it the wicked one
The shadow whispering from the reckless parts of me
The ones I still can’t control
“I’ll die of this I’m sure”, 
that’s all it says
and I promised I wouldn’t hurt myself
But it tells me I don’t need to, to die.

Just open your eyes! Your soul is gone;
And how long till they know
That when they hold you
Against their hearts
You stop the beating and burn them out?
How long will it take for you
to see the truth:
Nothing you do, matters. Nothing you are, matters.
Do not ever
touch love
ever again.

But they must have been right when they said that love saves your life
Cause all that keeps me alive,
is that I,
I love you,
Endlessly.


(More posts from this series)

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“STAND STILL”

Part 3 of “The Purge” series


 

For days when your heart does not remember
How to be a giant slaying warrior
walking in slow-mo into battle
Like Wonder Woman-
in No Man’s Land;

For days when the nightmare that woke you up
wakes up with you
It smiles, leaning against the kitchen counter
In a bathrobe, sipping coffee
As you stand there hating yourself
for what you’ve just done;

For days when the day
feels too long to live through;

Put your hand over your heart and say,
“Slow down, cowboy!”
It has just realized that it is too big
to be caged inside your body.
“Or maybe, your body is just too small!”
it says.

Give it a smile.
Say, “I love you.”
Hold it close and tuck it in,
into the comfiest comfort blanket you own…

And stand still.

Even when needles start climbing up your back
saying how you are worth nothing, if you do not move:
“If you do not move, you are worth nothing!”

Just stand still.

Let the world be itself.
It is okay to stop fighting
everything.

II

You know, depression does not come easy.

It comes, after you have been stabbed
192 times in your gut,
only to pull open the stitches.

And the pills,
they make you feel like you’re lying to yourself.
And the people,
they ask on your good days:
“Did you take an extra dose of your mood elevators?”
No,
bitch.
These are my own endorphins.
I know how to make them.

And sometimes you want to
Step 1: Throw up and cry
Step 2: Fail at the throwing up part
Step 3: Just cry;

For one moment!

Just
Stand
Still.

Breathe it all in.

Breathe in the scents
of flowers that go to sleep with the sun,
coming from beyond your walls of sadness.

Open the door.
Walk two steps outside;

And stand still.

Breathe in the beautiful songs
of birds who, too, have not yet found their way back home.

Breathe in the dancing river
that, also, does not know how to be steady
Even as it stands still.

So breathe in,
The dragon with enormous wings
Soaring through the sky-
if that is who you are in your dreams.

Because your heart, too,
is a masterpiece!

It does not have to find home…
It will grow one.

“PURGE”

“Purge” is about cleaning out what has been inside forever. It’s about looking at all of yourself and accepting it with open arms, and in the end of this potential series of poems that will follow this one, hopefully, falling in love with yourself.


 

My innocence is the grave that no one brings flowers to.

My past is a bed of thorns that I lie in everyday.
Some nights, I don’t get a single scratch
And on others, I talk to the moon
to distract myself from how I’m bleeding out;
Only to recover the next morning.

Where the new dawn calls me, I walk.
I am chained.
I haul the poles I’m chained to, out of the ground, and I walk.
Then like an Olympic hammer throw, I toss them away,
Glory and sway!
And the crowd roars in applause!
…but the seats are empty.
And the chains are still tied to the hammers,
clawed around my wrists…
So I walk.

I wonder if the universe were upside down
And we were all stars that stars gazed upon,
Would they have found me in a constellation?
Would I even be aware that I was part of one?
Or would I be the star that exploded alone
as lovers watched through a telescope,
wishing for eternal joy;
Because the way I shot through the sky that night
was too damn miraculous.
Would they tell their grandkids
how their first kiss
was underneath my final light?

What will I be telling mine?