“BLOOD.”

The last part of The Purge Series. This took me a long time to write because my body was physically hurting as I let go of all this, as I purged myself of the last and the most difficult thing holding me back- the enablers of abuse aka my adults. I want to be free. And after this, I hope I am. 
Thank you all for sticking with me through this. I appreciate you more than you can ever know. ❤ 


sad 2

BLOOD.

He wrote his name in my blood
and you yelled at me for being hurt

Just 4 years old
I learnt the taste of his blow
before I could learn to write a eulogy
for all the dreams I used to have
and all the broken pieces of my spirit
scattered all over my own home

You told me to forgive him
Taught me how God’s good people give out chances
like free candy, I gave out my peace and dignity
letting him hurt me

And you said to love him more
I loved myself less and less

Every time I called you my best friend,
you brought him in to help tie me down
Because you could never figure out
just how to keep me close

The chains burned my ankles
You were not there to soothe me
And in my misery,
I ran to you each time you were hurt
by the same demons I begged you to lock up
All I wanted was to do something right,
for once in your life!

But you said I was just like him.
And I came back,
wounds still fresh
No band-aids left.

They say blood runs thicker than water;
well my blood fills up my lungs till there is no air left in them.
Then you bang on the door
Telling me to get up when I faint on the floor.

He has used me up
worn me out till it couldn’t ache anymore
He is
done
with me.
I hope you are ready

’cause now he wants you devoured,
beaten and broken down, just like me.

And here you are again
calling out my name
You are losing your mind,
but he has just begun.

Don’t you look through the glass door
My walls won’t let you inside anymore

I cannot keep looking after
your mistakes
and the mess you’ve made
My heart is still a little girl
I won’t let you overshadow her,
She needs me to hold her
to be what you never were

and it’s time for you,
to grow up.

“The Road’s End”

black-and-white-dark-rain-79513

You walk with your head down
hands in your pockets
fidgeting around
for something to drown
out the noise that everyone is making.

Your mind is a clutter
like you, there’s no other
But all you can see is
the mess that you made in
the nonchalance of yesterday.

But darling, look up
look ahead to the beginning of tomorrow
You don’t need to run from your sorrows
I promised you
I’d be here to see it through

So here I am, looking at you!

The wonderful spark
from your eyes in the dark
the way you dissolve all the pain that you see
And people who touch you
Leave as joyous as me

Now you’re back alone at home
You look in the mirror,
tears down your cheeks
How did you make it out alive?

And when you speak, you stutter:
“Like me, there’s no other.”
You fought through the clouds,
searching for peace
Now the rainbows await you

Brace yourself, and come with me.


I cannot begin to tell you what it feels like, to be nearing the end of The Purge series, which was about overcoming the loudness of depression and anxiety and finding love for your own self. I never thought in my whole life that I would experience this, but Allah is great, Alhamdulillah. I thank every single person here who followed through my journey with past trauma and present mental illness. Your kind words have meant the world to me ❤ . 

“COME ALIVE”

Woman-Self-Love
Credits to artist

 

Blindsided-
To her own glistening light
She can’t see herself in the mirror
Can’t see herself in my eyes

I tell her: take it off!
This wolf skin
This lion roar
The scales of a predatory
reptile
Take it off, I say
There is no one coming after us
No one can take me away
I say
No one can break us today
I say, so take it off
And let me see.

I live for the cracks around your lips when you smile
I love how you love even when it means falling apart
I breathe in your soul the perfect blend of tears and laughter
Oh, don’t let me die tonight
I want to see you bare
Trust me,
We will be safe there
And you won’t have to hide
So darling come with me to come
Alive.
And don’t let me die.


Heyy loves. I hope you all are having beautiful lives, I am too Alhamdlillah. I struggle a lot with self love and especially these past few days were exceptionally hard to get through. So today in the early morning I wrote this poem. For the first time ever, a love letter to myself. 🙂 Hope you guys liked it!

“THE PAST, THE PRESENT AND PROMISES”

Part 4 of “The Purge” series: 


 

I used to wear my halo
like the devil wears his pride
Well, look here, I broke it now
The truth, I will not hide.
No more never swearing
at assholes, no more smiles.
And when you say, ‘fuck you’
I say, ‘you’re too late to the party’

mmm…kay?

Did you think this would continue to rhyme?
No, it wouldn’t.

My slightly broken, slightly erratic,
badass-as-hell self, welcomes you!

This body is my turf now-
I will fill it with flowers,
paintings, and chandeliers made of dewdrops
… and healthy food maybe?
I will decorate the walls with awards:
“Congratulations on getting up today!”,
“Congratulations on working out!”
“Congratulations on not killing yourself, or wanting to!”
“Congratulations on making it this far”

I will tell it
that it does not have to bend, or break
every time somebody wants
to feed their ego with its cries.
You can go around me,
if I’m taking up too much space.

Now I won’t lie and act
like I don’t care anymore;
My heart still breaks
when a little kid fixes my car,
when babies are thrown away if their body parts,
do not conform to the rules of normalcy,
when you tell me that I’m
too damaged,
too erratic,
too caring,
too
much
me,

It stings.

And it stings most of all, to fight back.
It stings to let the light in
It stings to like being loved
It stings to not hate, loving me.

But watch as I do it any way.
For the darkness may be comfortable,
familiar,
even easy;

but the light,
oh the light!
When it runs through my veins like electricity,
I think,

I could do this forever,
And never get burnt.

“PURGE”

“Purge” is about cleaning out what has been inside forever. It’s about looking at all of yourself and accepting it with open arms, and in the end of this potential series of poems that will follow this one, hopefully, falling in love with yourself.


 

My innocence is the grave that no one brings flowers to.

My past is a bed of thorns that I lie in everyday.
Some nights, I don’t get a single scratch
And on others, I talk to the moon
to distract myself from how I’m bleeding out;
Only to recover the next morning.

Where the new dawn calls me, I walk.
I am chained.
I haul the poles I’m chained to, out of the ground, and I walk.
Then like an Olympic hammer throw, I toss them away,
Glory and sway!
And the crowd roars in applause!
…but the seats are empty.
And the chains are still tied to the hammers,
clawed around my wrists…
So I walk.

I wonder if the universe were upside down
And we were all stars that stars gazed upon,
Would they have found me in a constellation?
Would I even be aware that I was part of one?
Or would I be the star that exploded alone
as lovers watched through a telescope,
wishing for eternal joy;
Because the way I shot through the sky that night
was too damn miraculous.
Would they tell their grandkids
how their first kiss
was underneath my final light?

What will I be telling mine?