“THE BEAST”

You taught me how to hate myself
when my soul did not recognise the icy breath
of self loathe on my neck
Ready to chew down my heart and let the blood splatter everywhere
Ready to drag me to a lonely forest where it would devour me whole
And God knows it almost did;
God knows, I almost let it.

I practised not trembling at the sight of you
For two whole years
And only then could I learn to smile with my teeth
Because you see, the absence of crippling fear does not equal happiness
And the fact that I’m not scared of you
Does not mean it won’t hurt when I lose

You talk, no, you bark like you can sniff a terrible secret about me
And you’re doing me a favour by not writing it all over the walls of this city
Well let me say this,
You are a beast that can never come close to uncovering me
To knowing that heart you broke a million times
A little girl with glistening eyes
You wanted to kill her spirit and God knows
you almost did. God knows I almost let you.
But I did not know what to do
When the rains came down and my lungs filled with water
but you said I was the one lightning up the skies
My thunder was too dangerous and I was told to shut it up!
Slow it down”
“Don’t be loud!”
“You’re pretending to be choking
Just drop the act and calm down”

Always one step ahead in knowing what I was
Well let me say this,
You are a beast but you will not devour me
My flesh was made with the spoils of war
My blood as bitter as a thousand corpses
My heart as warm as the scorching heat
Of the open battlefield
So if you ever even try
to come close to me

You will burn
And choke
And throw me up
Like a rotten tangerine

And I will watch
as your animal instincts turn you into the
monster you made me out to be

I am a child of starlight!
And you,
You are just a beast.


“The Purge” series, part 12. 

“PARALLELS”

Look at you, looking away
I look above
and the sky has filled itself with grey

Nothing can stop the storm now
I,
have worn myself out,
all over again!

What’s there to mourn
When all that you had
has been washed away?
Maybe it didn’t have to be this way

If only
I had been more wary
Nonchalance has cost me gravely

Everything lost,
Everything gone with the rain
I’m soaking in the remnants
of all that we were
Before it became,

All that we
used to be;
Once upon a May.


Little poem I scribbled on a torn notebook page in class, it’s called cashing out your sadness guys, it has proven really useful :3

“COME ALIVE”

Woman-Self-Love
Credits to artist

 

Blindsided-
To her own glistening light
She can’t see herself in the mirror
Can’t see herself in my eyes

I tell her: take it off!
This wolf skin
This lion roar
The scales of a predatory
reptile
Take it off, I say
There is no one coming after us
No one can take me away
I say
No one can break us today
I say, so take it off
And let me see.

I live for the cracks around your lips when you smile
I love how you love even when it means falling apart
I breathe in your soul the perfect blend of tears and laughter
Oh, don’t let me die tonight
I want to see you bare
Trust me,
We will be safe there
And you won’t have to hide
So darling come with me to come
Alive.
And don’t let me die.


Heyy loves. I hope you all are having beautiful lives, I am too Alhamdlillah. I struggle a lot with self love and especially these past few days were exceptionally hard to get through. So today in the early morning I wrote this poem. For the first time ever, a love letter to myself. 🙂 Hope you guys liked it!

“GAMES”

Below is part 5 of “The Purge” series.
This is the first poem I’ve written that talks about some part of the experience of womanhood as a whole, in terms of my own personal journey as well as the women I see around me in the world. I really hope you like it! 🙂


 

I am not a glorified playground-
easy to run all over.
I am not your sandcastle by the beach-
easy to wash away,
with a little bit of saltiness from the sea.

I will not be your battlefield!
To shoot who you want
with my mouth;
to slay men like you, for you,
with my smiles;
to stab to death
whom you owe debts
to,
with the touch of my fingers on their skin.

I will not be sold,
or bought,
or traded,
or advertised.

Shrinking,
to leave more space for your confidence
to fit in.
Your hollow pride,
from harming those who did not know how to fight…

Everything!

I punished myself for, for decades
ever since I learnt the meaning of punishment.

 

-II-

 

If you think my lips are sewn with battle cries,
think again!
I use each word I write
as rungs of a ladder, climbing up,
and over these walls of shame
that you had decided to lock me within.

I am tired
of men like you
who think I am their plaything
That I am a right
they were born with
and there’s nothing left,
of me to stop them.

You use me
and teach me
to be ashamed of it;
of everything I know you did.

I will not sit here washing away the stains
of my… being.
You do not get to escape, spotless.

These are not my sins,
not my stains,
not my cages,
not
my
shame.

Hereby, I return it all to you
whom it rightfully belongs to,
I quit your circus, your poker games
that only you could ever win-

Congratulations, on losing.

 

“THE PAST, THE PRESENT AND PROMISES”

Part 4 of “The Purge” series: 


 

I used to wear my halo
like the devil wears his pride
Well, look here, I broke it now
The truth, I will not hide.
No more never swearing
at assholes, no more smiles.
And when you say, ‘fuck you’
I say, ‘you’re too late to the party’

mmm…kay?

Did you think this would continue to rhyme?
No, it wouldn’t.

My slightly broken, slightly erratic,
badass-as-hell self, welcomes you!

This body is my turf now-
I will fill it with flowers,
paintings, and chandeliers made of dewdrops
… and healthy food maybe?
I will decorate the walls with awards:
“Congratulations on getting up today!”,
“Congratulations on working out!”
“Congratulations on not killing yourself, or wanting to!”
“Congratulations on making it this far”

I will tell it
that it does not have to bend, or break
every time somebody wants
to feed their ego with its cries.
You can go around me,
if I’m taking up too much space.

Now I won’t lie and act
like I don’t care anymore;
My heart still breaks
when a little kid fixes my car,
when babies are thrown away if their body parts,
do not conform to the rules of normalcy,
when you tell me that I’m
too damaged,
too erratic,
too caring,
too
much
me,

It stings.

And it stings most of all, to fight back.
It stings to let the light in
It stings to like being loved
It stings to not hate, loving me.

But watch as I do it any way.
For the darkness may be comfortable,
familiar,
even easy;

but the light,
oh the light!
When it runs through my veins like electricity,
I think,

I could do this forever,
And never get burnt.

“LISTEN”

The second part to the “Purge” series. 


 

Terrible nightmares, the rare kind
are normal
For people who have seen them come true
Before they even dreamt them.

I’m woken up everyday at exactly 5 am
It’s like my body knows when the monsters come
Like it knows: the unwanted touch
Like it knows: the bleeding wound
Like it knows: the bruises
Like it knows: screams crawling into my skin
Like it knows: exactly where all the scars are.

After I wake
My heat rattles like a wooden toolbox
too big for the number of nails inside it.
My hands tremble, I say, “Hush!
You’re braver than this!”
I say, “Hush! Allah is here.”
I say, “How much of this will be real?”
I say, “We don’t know yet but
lets hope not too much.”

I say,
“You are not alone.”

But, you!
Do you have tears in your eyes yet?
I know you’re there too.
I know you’re just like me.
So listen closely, to
what I’m about to tell you:

The abusers
The rapists
And the liars
Cannot put out the fires
We’ve lit inside our bones.
They make the world bright
They make the culprits burn!
175 years in prison
or 175 million, in hell.

And sometimes, they hurt…
When we don’t want them.

But, honey! Want them!
For they are your recompense
Your own personal miracle.

They are your soul, lit!
Lit enough to light others,
Lit enough to make an example
out of how lit you are
Damn, girl!/
Damn, boy!/
Damn, self!
You are lit!
And I adore you for it.

It is time that you did too.