“TO THEM AND TO YOU”

My love will not be an apology:

-I-

It stands tall in the midst of your clenched teeth,
your hissing, snickering laughter
Thought I’d come after
your tantrums about how bad I am treating you.
How selfish,
As I wished
to die so you could live.

If stopping you means locking myself in your cage
I am ready.
To tame the hyena, all I need is a lion heart.
Even if it tears me apart,
I will not let you devour my love.

II

My love, this is not what we’re meant to be.

I will not fall for the games they try to play
I will find a way
for both of us to stay!
Just stay with me.

My love, my very best friend
If this were made to end
It would have fallen apart months ago.
I prayed to God to turn me cold
if this,
if this was made to end.

But me, I am as warm as the midsummer day
when I first learnt how you smell
as warm
as the safety of my palm, beneath your face
When you fell asleep in class

No, honey, this was made to last!
All the way to kingdom come.

I will build anew, 
I will not apologise for loving you.


Hey everyone. Depression is hard these days because circumstances. But I am holding on. I hope you all do too ❤
P.S. you are all welcome to read more of “The Purge Series”, here.

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“COLOUR BLIND”

I made it to part 10 of The Purge Series!!

In case you are new, (Hi btw), this series of poems is about living and dealing with mental illness and overcoming two decades of self-hatred. It came to life when I stopped writing like it was all rainbows and butterflies and started being honest with myself- that idea is what birthed this series. “The Purge”, as in, cleaning out what has been buried inside forever. Hope you like it! 🙂

(For anyone interested, I updated my About Page from a cringe-y 16 year old’s rambling old to a proper adult’s rambling. So check that out as well!)


“COLOUR BLIND”

Spread out your arms
the weight on your chest
is bringing you down

Look up to the sky
asking God why
Beg Him to forgive you
for being written in stone

You never went with the flow
and now you’re a river
making waves in the middle of a silent valley that He called beautiful.

Why couldn’t you grow into flowers?
Why did you have to be a garden of your own:
Home to thorns, and butterflies.

Oh I don’t know why
I can’t escape myself
God knows I’ve tried and I apologise,
I was never supposed to
spread my arms, wide
the weight on my chest is bringing me down

I let go and fly
And God says I’m beautiful
But maybe you are colour blind.

LETTER OF APOLOGY.

Dearest readers,

I’m  so, SO terribly sorry that I have ignored you, and this blog, and my urge to write, for almost 2 months now. I would like you to know that it really wasn’t me being lazy or something, I was very, and I mean I-wanna-pull-my-hair-out-and-run-away-level busy.

I want you to also know that you, and this blog, have been a blast to have in my life, and I love you for that. To tell you the truth, I was hesitant for a long time before finally inhabiting my nest on the world wide web, as my best friend calls it, because I had no idea what kind of people I’d have to face and actually interact with. But honestly, I have found only wonderful people here, who are kind enough to not even sit and read the amateur pieces of writing I post, but to actually appreciate and encourage them and it has been unbelievable, thank you so much you’re all rad! 😀

The second amazing thing, the one I truly hadn’t realized until I dived into it, was how eye-opening it is, to read what all of you, all form different parts of the world, from different cultures, write and express. Everybody that I’ve gotten to know and follow, I just want to say “Bravo!!”. It’s an honor that I get to read your stories, your struggles, and parts of your mind. It has made me realize that these boundaries that exist between us, of race, culture and tradition, are merely self-imposed and easily breakable. Because when I come here and read about how you met the love of your life, or how you are sick, or how you cried hiding in the bathroom the other night, I just remember that we’re all quite alike no matter where or how we live.

Now that I’ve hopefully made you emotional, I want to sincerely apologize for being so absent from here. My busy days are about to come to an end, (for now at least because who are we kidding once you grow up, it never lasts) and I will try my best, from now on, to let this blog be continuous motivation for me to write and write again, for the rest of my life, like it was supposed to. I will, despite being occupied and stressed, try to post as much here as I can, and read your epic work too. I hope you bear with me because I never want to lose any of you, only gain more. 🙂

Love,
Maria

WOULD YOU?

Originally written on the 18th of March, 2014, in the green book.

Would you stay?

Would you stay? Please tell me the truth!

When I fall to the ground and break into pieces like fine glass does, all scattered, would you search for me in all my hiding places that you know of? When all you see, when you look at me, are scars and disgusting wounds that bleed dark red and then turn the ugliest shade of blue; When I can’t give anything back to you. When I’m unable to act like a merry lark that sings on a tree with the sun shining bright in it’s face. Oh love, when picking my pieces up and trying to glue them back together hurts you, would you still want to fix me? When tears run down my face and happiness is hard to remember and I tremble, would you hold me till I stop being so sad? Would you stay?

Would you stay?

Because I will, for you. I will always try to make you okay. I will clean your wounds and cover them, over and over. And if I run out of band aids, I’ll use my own skin.