“AFTERTASTE”

Hey loves! I know I haven’t posted in a long time and I think I needed to have this for myself because “Blood” was extremely hard to write, and extremely difficult to share. ❤ But that’s done now and in the past month I have written so much that I am proud of, and I hope so much that you like it 🙂 


To brighten the mood, this is my newest poem.

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“AFTERTASTE”

All I remember from the first time we met
is the summer heat
The tulips in April, shined
as the sun creeped in
I said ‘hello’, having no
idea who you were going to turn out to be

Now you’re on my mind
like the aftertaste of coffee

And I was, falling before the ball dropped
I was breaking down doors that you knocked on
It went from all we were
to all we used to be

‘Cause now it’s just you and me

And in the beat of this heart
I found a poem for you
Baby I’m not going to lie
That was the moment I knew

that I was falling in love with you.

Oh, it’s true
I knew
it was true…

I’ve fallen in love,
with you.

 

“BLOOD.”

The last part of The Purge Series. This took me a long time to write because my body was physically hurting as I let go of all this, as I purged myself of the last and the most difficult thing holding me back- the enablers of abuse aka my adults. I want to be free. And after this, I hope I am. 
Thank you all for sticking with me through this. I appreciate you more than you can ever know. ❤ 


sad 2

BLOOD.

He wrote his name in my blood
and you yelled at me for being hurt

Just 4 years old
I learnt the taste of his blow
before I could learn to write a eulogy
for all the dreams I used to have
and all the broken pieces of my spirit
scattered all over my own home

You told me to forgive him
Taught me how God’s good people give out chances
like free candy, I gave out my peace and dignity
letting him hurt me

And you said to love him more
I loved myself less and less

Every time I called you my best friend,
you brought him in to help tie me down
Because you could never figure out
just how to keep me close

The chains burned my ankles
You were not there to soothe me
And in my misery,
I ran to you each time you were hurt
by the same demons I begged you to lock up
All I wanted was to do something right,
for once in your life!

But you said I was just like him.
And I came back,
wounds still fresh
No band-aids left.

They say blood runs thicker than water;
well my blood fills up my lungs till there is no air left in them.
Then you bang on the door
Telling me to get up when I faint on the floor.

He has used me up
worn me out till it couldn’t ache anymore
He is
done
with me.
I hope you are ready

’cause now he wants you devoured,
beaten and broken down, just like me.

And here you are again
calling out my name
You are losing your mind,
but he has just begun.

Don’t you look through the glass door
My walls won’t let you inside anymore

I cannot keep looking after
your mistakes
and the mess you’ve made
My heart is still a little girl
I won’t let you overshadow her,
She needs me to hold her
to be what you never were

and it’s time for you,
to grow up.

“Home To Me”

So recently one of my closest people lost someone they loved a lot. This is for my best friend.


 

Dark room, smell of nothingness
The cold wind touches your face, the same way that love had once done

You’ve seen your light fade,
Slowly
Take a deep breath
You can break down
Oh, you won’t regret
it.

Everything you gave your heart to
left you broken on the side of the pavement
that you painted
with the colour of your love
And everything you had
is coming to its end;

But don’t you give up
don’t look down
not for a second, because

You have still got me
Right by your side
So when you’ve said your goodbyes
Baby, come home to me.

And when the sky is falling down
I’ll be your only cloud-
No promises of a perfect tomorrow-
But I’ll be holding you
safe from the sorrow

So baby, come home to me!

In the dead of the night,
Or when the stars start to shine,
Or when you can’t walk anymore,

Will you run home to me?

The long way home5380_rectangle
credits to owner

“TO THEM AND TO YOU”

My love will not be an apology:

-I-

It stands tall in the midst of your clenched teeth,
your hissing, snickering laughter
Thought I’d come after
your tantrums about how bad I am treating you.
How selfish,
As I wished
to die so you could live.

If stopping you means locking myself in your cage
I am ready.
To tame the hyena, all I need is a lion heart.
Even if it tears me apart,
I will not let you devour my love.

II

My love, this is not what we’re meant to be.

I will not fall for the games they try to play
I will find a way
for both of us to stay!
Just stay with me.

My love, my very best friend
If this were made to end
It would have fallen apart months ago.
I prayed to God to turn me cold
if this,
if this was made to end.

But me, I am as warm as the midsummer day
when I first learnt how you smell
as warm
as the safety of my palm, beneath your face
When you fell asleep in class

No, honey, this was made to last!
All the way to kingdom come.

I will build anew, 
I will not apologise for loving you.


Hey everyone. Depression is hard these days because circumstances. But I am holding on. I hope you all do too ❤
P.S. you are all welcome to read more of “The Purge Series”, here.

“COLOUR BLIND”

I made it to part 10 of The Purge Series!!

In case you are new, (Hi btw), this series of poems is about living and dealing with mental illness and overcoming two decades of self-hatred. It came to life when I stopped writing like it was all rainbows and butterflies and started being honest with myself- that idea is what birthed this series. “The Purge”, as in, cleaning out what has been buried inside forever. Hope you like it! 🙂

(For anyone interested, I updated my About Page from a cringe-y 16 year old’s rambling old to a proper adult’s rambling. So check that out as well!)


“COLOUR BLIND”

Spread out your arms
the weight on your chest
is bringing you down

Look up to the sky
asking God why
Beg Him to forgive you
for being written in stone

You never went with the flow
and now you’re a river
making waves in the middle of a silent valley that He called beautiful.

Why couldn’t you grow into flowers?
Why did you have to be a garden of your own:
Home to thorns, and butterflies.

Oh I don’t know why
I can’t escape myself
God knows I’ve tried and I apologise,
I was never supposed to
spread my arms, wide
the weight on my chest is bringing me down

I let go and fly
And God says I’m beautiful
But maybe you are colour blind.

LETTER OF APOLOGY.

Dearest readers,

I’m  so, SO terribly sorry that I have ignored you, and this blog, and my urge to write, for almost 2 months now. I would like you to know that it really wasn’t me being lazy or something, I was very, and I mean I-wanna-pull-my-hair-out-and-run-away-level busy.

I want you to also know that you, and this blog, have been a blast to have in my life, and I love you for that. To tell you the truth, I was hesitant for a long time before finally inhabiting my nest on the world wide web, as my best friend calls it, because I had no idea what kind of people I’d have to face and actually interact with. But honestly, I have found only wonderful people here, who are kind enough to not even sit and read the amateur pieces of writing I post, but to actually appreciate and encourage them and it has been unbelievable, thank you so much you’re all rad! 😀

The second amazing thing, the one I truly hadn’t realized until I dived into it, was how eye-opening it is, to read what all of you, all form different parts of the world, from different cultures, write and express. Everybody that I’ve gotten to know and follow, I just want to say “Bravo!!”. It’s an honor that I get to read your stories, your struggles, and parts of your mind. It has made me realize that these boundaries that exist between us, of race, culture and tradition, are merely self-imposed and easily breakable. Because when I come here and read about how you met the love of your life, or how you are sick, or how you cried hiding in the bathroom the other night, I just remember that we’re all quite alike no matter where or how we live.

Now that I’ve hopefully made you emotional, I want to sincerely apologize for being so absent from here. My busy days are about to come to an end, (for now at least because who are we kidding once you grow up, it never lasts) and I will try my best, from now on, to let this blog be continuous motivation for me to write and write again, for the rest of my life, like it was supposed to. I will, despite being occupied and stressed, try to post as much here as I can, and read your epic work too. I hope you bear with me because I never want to lose any of you, only gain more. 🙂

Love,
Maria

WOULD YOU?

Originally written on the 18th of March, 2014, in the green book.

Would you stay?

Would you stay? Please tell me the truth!

When I fall to the ground and break into pieces like fine glass does, all scattered, would you search for me in all my hiding places that you know of? When all you see, when you look at me, are scars and disgusting wounds that bleed dark red and then turn the ugliest shade of blue; When I can’t give anything back to you. When I’m unable to act like a merry lark that sings on a tree with the sun shining bright in it’s face. Oh love, when picking my pieces up and trying to glue them back together hurts you, would you still want to fix me? When tears run down my face and happiness is hard to remember and I tremble, would you hold me till I stop being so sad? Would you stay?

Would you stay?

Because I will, for you. I will always try to make you okay. I will clean your wounds and cover them, over and over. And if I run out of band aids, I’ll use my own skin.