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Pull open the strings
Of my last piece of clothing
We laugh under the blanket
High hopes and scented candles
To the first time holding hands
A spark I couldn’t understand
You always know how to pull me in
Your lips, gentle, on my entire being
The trace of your fingers over my skin
The smell of your light sweating
I could write about you
Two souls, bare,
Little tiny write-up. First time trying this theme of sensuality. Hope you liked it!
How long will it take you to notice I’m gone
How long till your heart is emptied out, like your empty arms
This is the last straw, the last firework shot up to the sky
In hopes that someone will see and come find me
I hope they will notice the shivers along my freezing skin
Hopefully they’ll have food and water and a blanket for me
I spent an hour telling myself I’m cruel
And it didn’t matter what you meant, what you said, even
The only voice was the one in my head
For being sick
For reaching out
For putting you through the darkest paths I had to walk on; and you walked with me
Because I loved you and that
Was cruel of me.
But what is the definition of cruelty?
Is it my merciless cry for help
Knowing you cannot save me
Is it wanting you before me
Arms spread out, is it holding you
till you fall asleep?
Oh how cruel I am for loving every inch of you
How cruel that we made us all that we could be
You and I, that was the deal
Forevermore, we were sure
But how cruel are we to never give this up?
Is it cruel to love unconditionally,
in which case, we share the blame equally?
Or is it the wicked one
The shadow whispering from the reckless parts of me
The ones I still can’t control
“I’ll die of this I’m sure”,
that’s all it says
and I promised I wouldn’t hurt myself
But it tells me I don’t need to, to die.
“Just open your eyes! Your soul is gone;
And how long till they know
That when they hold you
Against their hearts
You stop the beating and burn them out?
How long will it take for you
to see the truth:
Nothing you do, matters. Nothing you are, matters.
Do not ever
But they must have been right when they said that love saves your life
Cause all that keeps me alive,
is that I,
I love you,
Lately I’ve been looking back on love, the lost kind.
I spent a lot of time blaming myself for falling and staying in love with someone who left as soon as he came… and didn’t care to tell me about it. I felt dirty and used because I had spent a whole year missing, wanting, believing a lie. He had a million chances to tell me how he didn’t want it anymore but he didn’t. He was a coward who kept pretending.
There are two things I hate most in the world: lies and cowardice. Funny how my worst heartbreak (in the lovey dovey category) was a mixture of overwhelming amounts of these two.
Anyways it’s been a year since I confronted him and he owned up to how he had mentally broken up with me a year ago (fucked up, right?) And I’m really happy Alhamdulillah. He was never good enough for me, or to me. Always hid our love from the whole world like I was a sin.
The point of sharing all this with you guys is that sometimes you give something all that you possibly can, and it still goes and stabs you in the back where it hurts most. And that’s okay. It’s not your fault at all. It was only meant to teach you something and it left when you had learnt that. I feel like I hadn’t let go of him even after the confrontation but lately I have been looking back at love, and realizing that it has no lost kind. We only lose the person, not love itself.
As I type this, it’s 11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in bed with amazing weather outside (and within haha). I just finished talking to the person of my dreams who I love more everyday. He makes all my hopes and dreams feel achievable and helps me be more me than I had been in a long time. We make each other grow and he doesn’t ever have to hide that. We have been walking, crawling, soaring through life together for a while now and I’m so glad I made it through the phase where all I could do was doubt and question and question again why I felt happy and how there must be something fundamentally wrong with the universe because I was happy so much of the time and made new friends and got into the academic field of my dreams. I’m so happy that I stayed with him through all of this. And that he kept me sheltered in my worst storms.
Here’s to the people lost, and the life gained. May we all have the courage to get through the most painful chapters of our lives in order to live the most amazing ones. In sha Allah, ameen and bbye for now ❤
Remember this moment,
No crown, no jewels, no pretty dresses
Just the smell of heaven in your breath
The rays of sunshine dancing on your skin
You bite your lip and smile
When was the last time you got to get shy?
Remember this, paint it
over your heart!
can take this away.
I have been feeling a bit extra jerky these past few days and I finally wrote Part 6 of “The Purge” series (yay). If you follow this blog you might know that The Purge is about my experience living with, and hopefully overcoming, mental illness, while also learning to accept my whole self- past, present and future.
The poem below is based on how when you find any kind of love and support while having a medical condition (in my case, a depressive disorder); it can be so overwhelming because you don’t think you deserve it and even worse, you have this overwhelming urge that before they wake up and realise how lousy you are, you should just get up, and
Bang bang boom
Boom bang boom
After the crash I look at myself
Bruises and wounds,
Blood and debris,
I get up with a broken leg
Look behind and who
Is that, coming after me with a saw?
I hate that it looks like you
So I start running
Running without shoes
Oh the blisters may be bleeding
But I’ll be safe from truth.
I run and run till winter comes
I don’t stop when my feet go numb
All I know to do
I know I said I loved you
But what could I do
I was afraid
I am afraid
And running is all I want to do.
Running when the spring flowers brush against my ankles
Running in the summer heat, sweat
The shadow I make for a moment
Before I run from it too, into
autumn leaves falling down
I’m tired but I can’t stop now
I have to get away from you
I have to find a way to
Protect this heart this body this mind
I have to take care of what’s mine
I have to get home…
Through seasons and months
Of running from
The monters that make
My heart lose beats
My lungs forget to breathe
My eyes abandon sleep
I get myself back home
Where else could I have gone
I ran right back to you.
Weeps my heart and weeps December
I hope that you will always remember
The pearl you held in your palm, white
Back when our fire burned bright
I wonder when it burned us both
Ought to give warmth, but turned us both
Into strangers, running on parallel paths
Through the moon’s eclipse and the night’s wrath
Oh when will the stars come out again?
Oh when will the dawn of hope begin?
I will meet you then, at the first sunrise
Where the abyss collides with paradise
I’ll show my book of adventures to you
And you’ll find your home, with my chaos too
’til it’s calm like the breeze your soul brings
And we shall be made of beautiful things
But first, oh love, we must get through
The trials fate birthed, maybe to prove
The strength of our faith in what we hold
How brave we are and just how bold
Let the season weep! We shall endure
In the end, our hearts will have only loved more.
(Fun fact: I came up with the first verse of this poem 8 months ago, in December; and didn’t want to change that just now when I wrote the rest of it. Hope you liked it! :))