“Weeps December”

Weeps my heart and weeps December

I hope that you will always remember 

The pearl you held in your palm, white

Back when our fire burned bright

I wonder when it burned us both

Ought to give warmth, but turned us both

Into strangers, running on parallel paths

Through the moon’s eclipse and the night’s wrath

Oh when will the stars come out again?

Oh when will the dawn of hope begin? 

I will meet you then, at the first sunrise

Where the abyss collides with paradise

I’ll show my book of adventures to you

And you’ll find your home, with my chaos too

’til it’s calm like the breeze your soul brings 

And we shall be made of beautiful things

But first, oh love, we must get through

The trials fate birthed, maybe to prove

The strength of our faith in what we hold

How brave we are and just how bold

Let the season weep! We shall endure

In the end, our hearts will have only loved more.


(Fun fact: I came up with the first verse of this poem 8 months ago, in December; and didn’t want to change that just now when I wrote the rest of it. Hope you liked it! :))

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“Just a Little More”

​You ask me why I don’t get angry?

It’s because I’ve watched my world burn

To ashes and smoke

Over and over and over again

And I’ve washed the blood trails

Of my wounds

Left on the flowers on my shirt

With my own hands

And I’ve lost my brother

To his hatred of another

And in any love they give

There is none left as mine

And I’ve loved those

Who broke me from up close

And yet I still love

With as fierce a love as any

That could survive being blown up

In landmines; maybe in this faded love

There is more strength

Than the love that allows free taking

As if divine

And with every passing year

I’ve paid for their sins

With my honour and shame, and

A streak of heartbreaks

And trust broken.

 

So don’t ask me why I don’t get angry

Because I am angry

Maybe just starting to be

Or maybe I’ve been

For a long time

But I have been hurt too

And moved

And awed

And loved

And celebrated

And pushed to the brink of survival

From where only my miracles could get me back

And how they did.

Oh, how they did!

So maybe I am burnt

And very much so,

But I am also reborn

My spirit, rekindled

And if my love can survive landmines

Then mere anger, holds no chance

I am going to try

Until it bends before me

And turns into determination

And fierce as it may be

It will be called mine.

And I’m going to hold on

“Just a little more”,

A thousand more times.


Hello everyone! I hadn’t written here in a long time because I think I was not brave enough to accept some things. I hope that this piece of spoken word poetry (arguably the most unapologetic kind of poetry) makes up for that. And I hope you liked it! 🙂

Threads #33

​There are some people we meet that are destined to make us failures. They’re part of our losses and pains.

But you? You’re part of my win. And I don’t mind if it takes me my whole life to get to that win, I will get there. Because when the universe does us favours, we don’t give them up. We don’t let go.

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Wish I could remember/Wish I could forget

Wish I could remember
the soft strokes of
my mother’s fingers
in my hair.

Wish I could forget
his hands,
strong as a tree trunk
But not so friendly, or kind.

Wish I could remember
The way you looked,
at the moon; and me.
And joked just to hear me laugh.

Wish I could forget,
the day you made me cry
like everything we had built
had fallen apart.

Wish I could remember
The pixies I would look for
Out in the garden, after
every Enid Blyton story.

Wish I could forget
The demons that I found
When looking for pixies
didn’t go so well.

Wish I could remember
the cracks in your voice;
and the way you look
when you read.

Wish I could forget
that I know how you look
when you are angry
or sad.

Wish I could remember
the way my best friend said
that I was the best thing
to ever happen to mankind.

Wish I could forget
the morning we both cried
Fighting, pain and cruelty.
And the desire to stop.

Wish I could remember
the patterns on your palms
Of lines that I simply
could not count.

Wish I could forget
the wounds on my palms
Picking pieces of broken glass.
Will you just stop loving me one day?

Wish I could remember
what not knowing felt like
why is wisdom
so painful to gain?

Wish I could forget
The never-ending coldness
of hearts that proved to me
how I could not save them, with my love.

Wish I could remember
The words of prayer, that you
whispered for me today
With tears in your eyes.

Wish I could forget
The terrifying things
that my mind screams at me
About the universe, and you.

For us,
everything hangs in the balance.
But high above in the stars
Someone is waiting
for us to just look up.

“Imaan, Umeed aur Mohabbat”

Pehle imaan phir imaan se umeed aur umeed se mohabbat.

Kahin parha tha ke muhabbat insan ko Khuda tak lejati hai- na mile tab bhi, mil jaye tab bhi. Lekin ye na bataya ke jab apni khud gharz se khud gharz mohabbaton mai bhi Khuda nazar anay lage, tou samajh jao ke khalqat nahi, Khaliq se dil jorr liya hai.

Kaaba ke darwazay pe bethe hum, ankhen kia poora wujood ashkbaar! Aur wujood ke har zarre se aik hi naam ki awaz aye, goya zindagi dour khari mazak urra rahi ho, ke bolo! Maang lo usay? Is se ziada Khuda ke aur kia kareeb hona? Lekin zaat aur zaban ne wujood ki aik na suni. Wohi multazim, wohi ansoo, wohi hum. Par naam na liya. Keh diya Khuda se ke jo Apko behtareen lagay wo ata karden. Ab maaddi cheezon ka kia? Koi farq nahi parta.

Shayad dil mai mohabbat Khuda hi daalta hai isi liye ehsas hota hai ke agar Khuda chahe tou aik nahi, das baar mohabbat chor den. Apne toote huay tukron aur jurri hui izzat ko le ke wahin ja bethen. Usi ke dar pe. Aur phir ro ro ke kahen, “sirf Allah, sirf Allah, sirf Allah!” Ab koi bulaaye zindagi ko tou hum bhi ankhon mai ankhen daal kar poochen, ke dekh, ay haqeer o na cheez, dekh! Yehi hai na wo imaan jiska tu ne imtehan lena tha? Ab jis imaan ki bina par hum saari dunya mai naak charhaye phirte hain, dekhen bhi tou sahi ke kia hai us imaan ki taaqat?!

Jab mohabbat sachi hoti hai tou Khuda se dour nahi le jati. Khuda hi ki taraf se tou dil mai utri hoti hai, kabhi azmaish tou kabhi sukun ban kar. Tou le le tu imtehan, jitna lena hai. Dekh lena, jeet hamesha imaan ki hi hogi. Chahe hanste muskurate ya kaleja kaat kar, hum imaan ko nahi haarne denge.

Ab zindagi hi nahi, mohabbat bhi dekhe gi, ke mohabbat ki kese jati hai.


Hello everyone!  I hope you liked that. It had been long since I wrote in Urdu so I personally enjoyed this post a lot! I would like to give a shout out to Shoaib whose Urdu prose series, one of my most favourite things ever written, is the major inspiration for the style of writing here (although this hasn’t even come close to his level).

Have a lovely day, week, month and life. Until next time! ^-^

Threads #29

“I don’t think we should restrict our love to only humans that prove themselves to us. 

Instead, we ought to keep and give love to all that has even a little bit of life in it. 

For the universe, my friend, has it’s own special way of loving us right back.”

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To the woman who saved my life

(But couldn’t save her own)

“Verily, we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return”

I couldn’t get myself to write after you passed away.

I spent days and nights awake, crying; wondering if it was allowed for me to mourn your sudden death. I felt guilty, so damn guilty with every tear that came out of my eyes, you taught me how to be happy. It felt as if I was destroying your legacy. That I was ruining what you did for me, even when I knew you could not do it ever again.

You were the reason I got my life and light back, Allah chose you for that purpose. How could I be so selfish and needy in my humanness that I let you become the reason for my grief?

The first few days I kept calling your phone. Hoping every single time that it was some sort of huge misunderstanding, heck, even a stupid prank- anything but the truth!

I looked everywhere for answers, but found none. No one and nothing could tell me why it had to happen. Why did you have to save my life and lose your own? What was the purpose of the briefness of our acquaintance or friendship or love? Why did you touch my life when you had to be taken away?

For the first time in my life, I shut myself in. I hid, like a coward. Pretended to be okay. I acted like there was nothing wrong at all. I didn’t let anyone, not even my own self see my pain. I made the pain grey in hopes that the colours of the world will overpower it and it’ll just fade away. But that’s not what happened.

What happened was far worse.

In numbing myself towards the pain, I ended up being numb towards everything else too. The grey didn’t fade away it took over all else and suddenly the moon, stars and the laughter of little kids could not make me feel anything. The love I had in my life, of all kinds, stopped making sense, stopped feeling real. It was a downward spiral into nothingness and I had begun falling.

But then, as always, Allah found a way to get me back. One conversation, one best friend, a few hours and the walls just came crashing down. My heart was cut open again, bare and bleeding.

I missed you.

I loved you.

You were gone. And it hurt like hell.

But that was okay.

I found my answer. Why did you touch my life when you had to be taken away? Because verily, we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. You were never mine to begin with. Allah didn’t take you away, Allah gave you to me. For whatever amount of time, just before He called you back to Him, He chose to let me know you. So basically, you weren’t my pain, Allah made you my blessing.

So you see, the focus has entirely changed and I’m finally happy again. I know if you could see me now you’d be so proud. And that’s when I miss you most- when I achieve something. I have become so much more beautiful than I ever dreamed of and I wish I had a way to thank you for that; but I know Allah must be taking care of that in your grave. I hope He gives you the highest spot in Jannah. Ameen.

But just between the two of us, I believe you’re still watching somehow. I hope you’re as proud of me as I am of myself. You should be proud of yourself too. Not many people around me even know you because they never even looked deep enough to know I was sick in the first place. And every time I laugh or do good or feel like the universe loves me I wish I could scream it out loud that you’re the reason I achieved this. I cannot talk about you now, because I cannot talk about my sickness.

But someday, I’ll make sure the whole world knows your name. I kept your business card and your last display picture on whatsapp.

whatsapp-image-2016-12-24-at-3-01-33-pm

And I will remember never to.

Love always,
Maria