Wish I could remember/Wish I could forget

Wish I could remember
the soft strokes of
my mother’s fingers
in my hair.

Wish I could forget
his hands,
strong as a tree trunk
But not so friendly, or kind.

Wish I could remember
The way you looked,
at the moon; and me.
And joked just to hear me laugh.

Wish I could forget,
the day you made me cry
like everything we had built
had fallen apart.

Wish I could remember
The pixies I would look for
Out in the garden, after
every Enid Blyton story.

Wish I could forget
The demons that I found
When looking for pixies
didn’t go so well.

Wish I could remember
the cracks in your voice;
and the way you look
when you read.

Wish I could forget
that I know how you look
when you are angry
or sad.

Wish I could remember
the way my best friend said
that I was the best thing
to ever happen to mankind.

Wish I could forget
the morning we both cried
Fighting, pain and cruelty.
And the desire to stop.

Wish I could remember
the patterns on your palms
Of lines that I simply
could not count.

Wish I could forget
the wounds on my palms
Picking pieces of broken glass.
Will you just stop loving me one day?

Wish I could remember
what not knowing felt like
why is wisdom
so painful to gain?

Wish I could forget
The never-ending coldness
of hearts that proved to me
how I could not save them, with my love.

Wish I could remember
The words of prayer, that you
whispered for me today
With tears in your eyes.

Wish I could forget
The terrifying things
that my mind screams at me
About the universe, and you.

For us,
everything hangs in the balance.
But high above in the stars
Someone is waiting
for us to just look up.

“Imaan, Umeed aur Mohabbat”

Pehle imaan phir imaan se umeed aur umeed se mohabbat.

Kahin parha tha ke muhabbat insan ko Khuda tak lejati hai- na mile tab bhi, mil jaye tab bhi. Lekin ye na bataya ke jab apni khud gharz se khud gharz mohabbaton mai bhi Khuda nazar anay lage, tou samajh jao ke khalqat nahi, Khaliq se dil jorr liya hai.

Kaaba ke darwazay pe bethe hum, ankhen kia poora wujood ashkbaar! Aur wujood ke har zarre se aik hi naam ki awaz aye, goya zindagi dour khari mazak urra rahi ho, ke bolo! Maang lo usay? Is se ziada Khuda ke aur kia kareeb hona? Lekin zaat aur zaban ne wujood ki aik na suni. Wohi multazim, wohi ansoo, wohi hum. Par naam na liya. Keh diya Khuda se ke jo Apko behtareen lagay wo ata karden. Ab maaddi cheezon ka kia? Koi farq nahi parta.

Shayad dil mai mohabbat Khuda hi daalta hai isi liye ehsas hota hai ke agar Khuda chahe tou aik nahi, das baar mohabbat chor den. Apne toote huay tukron aur jurri hui izzat ko le ke wahin ja bethen. Usi ke dar pe. Aur phir ro ro ke kahen, “sirf Allah, sirf Allah, sirf Allah!” Ab koi bulaaye zindagi ko tou hum bhi ankhon mai ankhen daal kar poochen, ke dekh, ay haqeer o na cheez, dekh! Yehi hai na wo imaan jiska tu ne imtehan lena tha? Ab jis imaan ki bina par hum saari dunya mai naak charhaye phirte hain, dekhen bhi tou sahi ke kia hai us imaan ki taaqat?!

Jab mohabbat sachi hoti hai tou Khuda se dour nahi le jati. Khuda hi ki taraf se tou dil mai utri hoti hai, kabhi azmaish tou kabhi sukun ban kar. Tou le le tu imtehan, jitna lena hai. Dekh lena, jeet hamesha imaan ki hi hogi. Chahe hanste muskurate ya kaleja kaat kar, hum imaan ko nahi haarne denge.

Ab zindagi hi nahi, mohabbat bhi dekhe gi, ke mohabbat ki kese jati hai.

Hello everyone!  I hope you liked that. It had been long since I wrote in Urdu so I personally enjoyed this post a lot! I would like to give a shout out to Shoaib whose Urdu prose series, one of my most favourite things ever written, is the major inspiration for the style of writing here (although this hasn’t even come close to his level).

Have a lovely day, week, month and life. Until next time! ^-^

Threads #29

“I don’t think we should restrict our love to only humans that prove themselves to us. 

Instead, we ought to keep and give love to all that has even a little bit of life in it. 

For the universe, my friend, has it’s own special way of loving us right back.”

Read more “Threads

To the woman who saved my life

(But couldn’t save her own)

“Verily, we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return”

I couldn’t get myself to write after you passed away.

I spent days and nights awake, crying; wondering if it was allowed for me to mourn your sudden death. I felt guilty, so damn guilty with every tear that came out of my eyes, you taught me how to be happy. It felt as if I was destroying your legacy. That I was ruining what you did for me, even when I knew you could not do it ever again.

You were the reason I got my life and light back, Allah chose you for that purpose. How could I be so selfish and needy in my humanness that I let you become the reason for my grief?

The first few days I kept calling your phone. Hoping every single time that it was some sort of huge misunderstanding, heck, even a stupid prank- anything but the truth!

I looked everywhere for answers, but found none. No one and nothing could tell me why it had to happen. Why did you have to save my life and lose your own? What was the purpose of the briefness of our acquaintance or friendship or love? Why did you touch my life when you had to be taken away?

For the first time in my life, I shut myself in. I hid, like a coward. Pretended to be okay. I acted like there was nothing wrong at all. I didn’t let anyone, not even my own self see my pain. I made the pain grey in hopes that the colours of the world will overpower it and it’ll just fade away. But that’s not what happened.

What happened was far worse.

In numbing myself towards the pain, I ended up being numb towards everything else too. The grey didn’t fade away it took over all else and suddenly the moon, stars and the laughter of little kids could not make me feel anything. The love I had in my life, of all kinds, stopped making sense, stopped feeling real. It was a downward spiral into nothingness and I had begun falling.

But then, as always, Allah found a way to get me back. One conversation, one best friend, a few hours and the walls just came crashing down. My heart was cut open again, bare and bleeding.

I missed you.

I loved you.

You were gone. And it hurt like hell.

But that was okay.

I found my answer. Why did you touch my life when you had to be taken away? Because verily, we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. You were never mine to begin with. Allah didn’t take you away, Allah gave you to me. For whatever amount of time, just before He called you back to Him, He chose to let me know you. So basically, you weren’t my pain, Allah made you my blessing.

So you see, the focus has entirely changed and I’m finally happy again. I know if you could see me now you’d be so proud. And that’s when I miss you most- when I achieve something. I have become so much more beautiful than I ever dreamed of and I wish I had a way to thank you for that; but I know Allah must be taking care of that in your grave. I hope He gives you the highest spot in Jannah. Ameen.

But just between the two of us, I believe you’re still watching somehow. I hope you’re as proud of me as I am of myself. You should be proud of yourself too. Not many people around me even know you because they never even looked deep enough to know I was sick in the first place. And every time I laugh or do good or feel like the universe loves me I wish I could scream it out loud that you’re the reason I achieved this. I cannot talk about you now, because I cannot talk about my sickness.

But someday, I’ll make sure the whole world knows your name. I kept your business card and your last display picture on whatsapp.


And I will remember never to.

Love always,


A NEW POEM! (Finally)

This one is for the once in a lifetime kind of friends. They’re the best because they make you the best version of yourselves. :’) So Alhamdulillah for them.


When I tremble at the sound
Of thunder crackling all around

Or times when within me it pounds
And peace is nowhere to be found

You smile standing amidst the chaos
I look to you and take a pause
Your voice all of a sudden, draws
Me back, away from panic’s claws

You tell me of my dragon wings
That have fought against the strongest winds
You tell me of wondrous, beautiful things
And all the light my kindness brings

I watch with slowly calming breaths
One hand in yours, one over my chest
As water-coloured happiness
Conquers once more, my dull grey mess

So worry not, when dark descends
It’s purpose you can’t comprehend
For I will, love, beside you, stand
And be your light till December’s end

Countless times I’ve seen you prove
No thunder can deter us two
I swear, thus faith, I shan’t ever lose
In you for me, and me for you. 


There it was again. The same serene place in front and around him.

A field of grass spreading as far as the eyes could see. The clear blue sky with just the perfect amount of sunlight falling upon the grass to make it glitter like emeralds of the purest green.

A single tree- the same large one that he saw everyday- bearing gorgeous fruit on its branches that hung low; it seemed to be inviting him to eat and enjoy God’s gifts upon him.

He sat down in its shade and thought to himself of how desperately he wanted to find God. And to thank Him Almighty, for what He had blessed His servant with. Lost in his praise and thoughts of God, his eyes fell suddenly on what he expected to see, yet secretly wished against.

There she was, standing tall. Her feet sunk in the grass just enough to expose her ankles, being brushed gently by the ends of her white dress. For a second his heart beat faster, like it always did at this point in his dream; and he gasped. It seemed as though she became more beautiful by the day. More silent, and more mysterious. In one single glance, he felt his whole body wanting to walk towards her. He breathed heavily, and stood up.

“Why must you trouble my heart with the thought of my beloved?” He looked to his left and spoke with a voice that was loud and stern, but drenched with hopelessness.

“So that you can know that losing yourself in fantasies of solitude is not the way of life”, replied his nafs*; grinning. It knew it had once again interrupted the man’s perfect dream.

He looked back where he had seen her- she had disappeared. Just like the emeralds and the blueness of the sky. What remained was his body and his nafs, in the darkness of a summer night. The sheet he had been sleeping on was now wet with his sweat.

“I do not want anything to do with your way of life! All I desire is the way of God, to God. And therein I shall spend all the rest of my days.”

“So you will simply forget her? Are you so selfish? Have you forgotten what she means to you? What she makes you think when you lay eyes upon her?”

“Do not dare! Do not dare try to sabotage my love. You keep your filth away from her. She is too pure to be mentioned by your worthless tongue!” He was on the verge of screaming now.

The nafs creeped out of the shadows and stood right in front of him. “You cannot simply forget her. Have you left behind what she made you feel?”

“I have not forgotten a thing, you foul creature! I remember exactly what it was like to be in her midst. To have more of her than fragments in dreams. To hear her voice and look at her eyes glowing in the day and in the night. I remember the entirety of what you want to remind me of, bringing her into my dreams of spirituality, every night. I can never forget! I can never be selfish.”

“Then why have you distanced yourself?” Its voice shook the very walls of his poor home.

“Because I cannot deny the truth she holds in her very existence! I cannot! Her silence, her kindness and the heart that pounds inside of her, her very life- all of that speaks of but one thing: God! That is all! All that I see when I look at her, is God and no other. It is only Him that could create her. It is only Him that made her beautiful and filled her soul with gentleness. There is no other who could have fashioned the being she is. When I think of her, I think of the One who created- Al-Khaaliq!”

He paused for a moment and looked at his nafs. It stood frozen.

Who could’ve known that a heart that belongs to God could turn a desire that the nafs put inside it and the selfish wanting that made men yearn for the beauty of the world; into the most prominent and constant reminder of his own Master, his Allah?

His eyes were streaming with tears now. He held his hand over his chest, lest his paining heart would fall out.

“I cannot be with her until I am with God. How can I be content, knowing only the creation and being oblivious towards the Khaaliq? I cannot. I simply cannot! I have to seek The One, before I seek what He made from a clot of blood. I love the art but I have found that my heart belongs to Al-Musawwir: The Artist.

I was a mere traveler of time, until God brought me to her. And since then I have found myself only needing Him. As if that was His plan all along.”

He now looked up, his shirt soaked with tears. And he found himself alone; with only God and himself.

*nafs: The part of a man that creates worldly desires (greed, lust, jealousy, etc.). Usually regarded in religion and sufism as a wall between one and God.

“!جان” (Know!)

تو اگر جان لیتا کہ خدا تیرے لئے کیا کچھ کرتا ہے
!تو سجدے میں ایسا گرتا کے مرنے کے بعد ہی اٹھایا جاتا

Kafan mai lipta hua tera chehra muskuraata; ke “Dekh! Dekh aye khuda! Mai Tere ehsaano ka kuch haq ada tou na karsaka lekin koshish mai saari zindagi bita di.”

Magar tu tou ghafil raha hai.

Hamesha se, aur hamesha ke liye. Khuda ne tujh ko ghaltiyon ka putla banaya, tujhe azmaane ke liye. Ye dekhne ke liye ke kab kab tu hazaaron cheekhti chillati awazon ke beech apni rooh ki awaz ko sun paaye ga. Un ehsaano ko yaad kar paaye ga, jo Wo tujh pe karta hai.

Wo chahta tou teri jahaalat dekh kar tujh ko is zameen mai mila deta, jo din raat Uske hukum se tere pairon ke neeche thehri bethi hai.

Wo chahta tou tera taghaful dekhta, aur aik awaz pe ye asmaan tujh par toot parta! Yehi asmaan, jisko tu raaton mai tanha beth ke ghanton takta hai. Yehi asmaan, jis ki muhabbat mai tu giriftaar hai; aur jiske Khaaliq se na-ashna.

Magar wo ye sab nahi karta… Kabhi tu ne iski waja jaani?

Aisa nahi ke tu Uske azaab ke qaabil nahi. Aisa nahi ke tu ne gunaah se khud ko paak rakha hai.

Aisa hargiz nahi ke tu Uski zaroorat hai. Uski tou koi zaroorat nahi, teri kia auqaat?

Tere ashraf-ul-makhlooqat hone ne tujhe intekhaab tou diya par shayad ab tera zameer bhi rota ho ke is intekhaab se acha tou bay-zubaan, bay-aqal hona tha- jis naymat ne tujh ko Allah se dour kiya tou us naymat ka wujood hi kyun kar hua?

Tou ab jaan le.

Jaan ke teri zaat ab tak kyun qayim hai. Jaan! Jaan ke tere hone ki waahid waja,
ALLAH ki mohabbat hai.

Jaan le, ke Wo tujhse pyaar na karta, tou teri auqaat bhi rait ke aik zarre se barh ke nahi.

Par Wo tujhse pyaar kyun karta hai?

Jab tere saare ganday khayalat o harkaat se waqif hai tou kese tujhe teri maa se bhi kayi gunah ziada chahta hai?

Kyun ke tere paas tauba hai. 

Ab di tou ye bhi Us hi zaat ne. Par saath mai is ko apnaane ka intekhaab bhi diya hai. Jo tu ne khud karna hai.

Aur is intekhaab ko karne ki hidayat bhi Wohi de ga, bas tu ne uski chah ko sambhaal kar rakhna hai.

Us chah ko sambhalnay ka khayal bhi Wohi dega. Phir akhir kia bach gaya tujh mai?

Tu maang.

Tere pas dua hai. Aur dua se tou Qadr badli jaati hai. Tou maang; ke Us ka khazaana kabhi kam nahi hota.

Par dua bhi akhir Wo hi sunay ga…

“Tou tum apne parwardigaar ki kon kon si naymat ko jhutlao ge?” – Surah Al-Rahmaan

Dil sajde mai mar jaane ko na chaahe, tou aur kia chaahe?