“BLOOD.”

The last part of The Purge Series. This took me a long time to write because my body was physically hurting as I let go of all this, as I purged myself of the last and the most difficult thing holding me back- the enablers of abuse aka my adults. I want to be free. And after this, I hope I am. 
Thank you all for sticking with me through this. I appreciate you more than you can ever know. ❤ 


sad 2

BLOOD.

He wrote his name in my blood
and you yelled at me for being hurt

Just 4 years old
I learnt the taste of his blow
before I could learn to write a eulogy
for all the dreams I used to have
and all the broken pieces of my spirit
scattered all over my own home

You told me to forgive him
Taught me how God’s good people give out chances
like free candy, I gave out my peace and dignity
letting him hurt me

And you said to love him more
I loved myself less and less

Every time I called you my best friend,
you brought him in to help tie me down
Because you could never figure out
just how to keep me close

The chains burned my ankles
You were not there to soothe me
And in my misery,
I ran to you each time you were hurt
by the same demons I begged you to lock up
All I wanted was to do something right,
for once in your life!

But you said I was just like him.
And I came back,
wounds still fresh
No band-aids left.

They say blood runs thicker than water;
well my blood fills up my lungs till there is no air left in them.
Then you bang on the door
Telling me to get up when I faint on the floor.

He has used me up
worn me out till it couldn’t ache anymore
He is
done
with me.
I hope you are ready

’cause now he wants you devoured,
beaten and broken down, just like me.

And here you are again
calling out my name
You are losing your mind,
but he has just begun.

Don’t you look through the glass door
My walls won’t let you inside anymore

I cannot keep looking after
your mistakes
and the mess you’ve made
My heart is still a little girl
I won’t let you overshadow her,
She needs me to hold her
to be what you never were

and it’s time for you,
to grow up.

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“THE BEAST”

You taught me how to hate myself
when my soul did not recognise the icy breath
of self loathe on my neck
Ready to chew down my heart and let the blood splatter everywhere
Ready to drag me to a lonely forest where it would devour me whole
And God knows it almost did;
God knows, I almost let it.

I practised not trembling at the sight of you
For two whole years
And only then could I learn to smile with my teeth
Because you see, the absence of crippling fear does not equal happiness
And the fact that I’m not scared of you
Does not mean it won’t hurt when I lose

You talk, no, you bark like you can sniff a terrible secret about me
And you’re doing me a favour by not writing it all over the walls of this city
Well let me say this,
You are a beast that can never come close to uncovering me
To knowing that heart you broke a million times
A little girl with glistening eyes
You wanted to kill her spirit and God knows
you almost did. God knows I almost let you.
But I did not know what to do
When the rains came down and my lungs filled with water
but you said I was the one lightning up the skies
My thunder was too dangerous and I was told to shut it up!
Slow it down”
“Don’t be loud!”
“You’re pretending to be choking
Just drop the act and calm down”

Always one step ahead in knowing what I was
Well let me say this,
You are a beast but you will not devour me
My flesh was made with the spoils of war
My blood as bitter as a thousand corpses
My heart as warm as the scorching heat
Of the open battlefield
So if you ever even try
to come close to me

You will burn
And choke
And throw me up
Like a rotten tangerine

And I will watch
as your animal instincts turn you into the
monster you made me out to be

I am a child of starlight!
And you,
You are just a beast.


“The Purge” series, part 12.