“THE BEAST”

You taught me how to hate myself
when my soul did not recognise the icy breath
of self loathe on my neck
Ready to chew down my heart and let the blood splatter everywhere
Ready to drag me to a lonely forest where it would devour me whole
And God knows it almost did;
God knows, I almost let it.

I practised not trembling at the sight of you
For two whole years
And only then could I learn to smile with my teeth
Because you see, the absence of crippling fear does not equal happiness
And the fact that I’m not scared of you
Does not mean it won’t hurt when I lose

You talk, no, you bark like you can sniff a terrible secret about me
And you’re doing me a favour by not writing it all over the walls of this city
Well let me say this,
You are a beast that can never come close to uncovering me
To knowing that heart you broke a million times
A little girl with glistening eyes
You wanted to kill her spirit and God knows
you almost did. God knows I almost let you.
But I did not know what to do
When the rains came down and my lungs filled with water
but you said I was the one lightning up the skies
My thunder was too dangerous and I was told to shut it up!
Slow it down”
“Don’t be loud!”
“You’re pretending to be choking
Just drop the act and calm down”

Always one step ahead in knowing what I was
Well let me say this,
You are a beast but you will not devour me
My flesh was made with the spoils of war
My blood as bitter as a thousand corpses
My heart as warm as the scorching heat
Of the open battlefield
So if you ever even try
to come close to me

You will burn
And choke
And throw me up
Like a rotten tangerine

And I will watch
as your animal instincts turn you into the
monster you made me out to be

I am a child of starlight!
And you,
You are just a beast.


“The Purge” series, part 12. 
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“THE SHOOTING STAR”

I have had the absolute shittiest night possible and I couldn’t sleep with all of it in my head so here is my first and only draft of a new poem. Part 11 of The Purge Series;

“The Shooting Star”

For them it’s always just a game

I screamed for help but help never came

Falling down an endless rabbit hole

Not sure

What to share and what to hide

Might as well be dying tonight

The ashes are burning me out

And no one here to clear my doubts

Before they turn to crystal ice

And no one there to save my light

The night is long, but you are strong”

It screams, “All that is fucking wrong!”

And I have no choice but to believe

Cause everyone else has already left me

The brightest flame is a broken star

And it looks breathtaking from afar

But don’t you know the catch therein?

You see it

only after, it has reached

it’s irrevocable end.

“COLOUR BLIND”

I made it to part 10 of The Purge Series!!

In case you are new, (Hi btw), this series of poems is about living and dealing with mental illness and overcoming two decades of self-hatred. It came to life when I stopped writing like it was all rainbows and butterflies and started being honest with myself- that idea is what birthed this series. “The Purge”, as in, cleaning out what has been buried inside forever. Hope you like it! 🙂

(For anyone interested, I updated my About Page from a cringe-y 16 year old’s rambling old to a proper adult’s rambling. So check that out as well!)


“COLOUR BLIND”

Spread out your arms
the weight on your chest
is bringing you down

Look up to the sky
asking God why
Beg Him to forgive you
for being written in stone

You never went with the flow
and now you’re a river
making waves in the middle of a silent valley that He called beautiful.

Why couldn’t you grow into flowers?
Why did you have to be a garden of your own:
Home to thorns, and butterflies.

Oh I don’t know why
I can’t escape myself
God knows I’ve tried and I apologise,
I was never supposed to
spread my arms, wide
the weight on my chest is bringing me down

I let go and fly
And God says I’m beautiful
But maybe you are colour blind.

“CRUELTY”- A LOVE STORY

love
Credits

How long will it take you to notice I’m  gone
How long till your heart is emptied out, like your empty arms
This is the last straw, the last firework shot up to the sky
In hopes that someone will see and come find me
I hope they will notice the shivers along my freezing skin
Hopefully they’ll have food and water and a blanket for me

I spent an hour telling myself I’m cruel
And it didn’t matter what you meant, what you said, even
The only voice was the one in my head
Cruel
For being sick
Cruel
For reaching out
Cruel
For putting you through the darkest paths I had to walk on; and you walked with me
Because I loved you and that
Was cruel of me.

But what is the definition of cruelty?

Is it my merciless cry for help
Knowing you cannot save me
Is it wanting you before me
Arms spread out, is it holding you
till you fall asleep?
Oh how cruel I am for loving every inch of you
How cruel that we made us all that we could be
You and I, that was the deal
Forevermore, we were sure
But how cruel are we to never give this up?
Is it cruel to love unconditionally,
in which case, we share the blame equally?

Or is it the wicked one
The shadow whispering from the reckless parts of me
The ones I still can’t control
“I’ll die of this I’m sure”, 
that’s all it says
and I promised I wouldn’t hurt myself
But it tells me I don’t need to, to die.

Just open your eyes! Your soul is gone;
And how long till they know
That when they hold you
Against their hearts
You stop the beating and burn them out?
How long will it take for you
to see the truth:
Nothing you do, matters. Nothing you are, matters.
Do not ever
touch love
ever again.

But they must have been right when they said that love saves your life
Cause all that keeps me alive,
is that I,
I love you,
Endlessly.


(More posts from this series)

1 am

The battle gets harder everyday

But I hold on to stay

Here, for you

You can clearly see

the crumblimg pieces of me

Look back and you’ll find I’m right here

Where we left off

I just can’t seem to know who I am

Fading out of view

Are the memories of me and you

And they say there’s nothing wrong

They can take this war; take my share of pain

And tell me how does it feel, feeling it’s real

Having no proof.

So this is for all of you

I may be lost and God knows I am

I hope you stay till I find my way back home

Am I becoming repetitive? Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about that when writing this down is helping me fight for my life but hey you can tell me if I should or should not post things like these? Thank you, love you. 🙂

“RELAPSE”

I have been quite lost from here lately, and it’s because I feel like I have fallen into a bit of a pit in life, and in my battle with depression. I really thought I was almost through to the end, but I have been experiencing some of the worst episodes despite having a lot of amazing things. (Including two people who have given me uninterrupted, unconditional love through all this, and that makes me feel guilty, I know it shouldn’t).
Anyways, I tried putting it into words, this is another part of THE PURGE SERIES, and it is called Relapse:


mroczny-aniol,-krew,-kleks-185924.jpg

I used to adore moonlight,
silver,
as it seeped into my soul
I loved counting stars
Drew constellations in the sky, tell me when
did that bubble burst?
When did I stop drawing hearts on my wrist
And lost count of the scars?

From the tips of my fingers all the way down to my toes
I am trembling,
Like a broken cloud that had forgotten
what weather it bore.
And the lightning, it strikes
Inwards,
because I told it to!
I cannot predict the storm, but I can deflect it to save you.

And I know that we’ve got love to give, I know you’re both here
But I keep seeing ships sink-
How long before our sails tear?
I am not one for surrendering but the voice in my head
says for all that you’ve lost, why not
this time,
you disappear instead?

I look around the empty room
The swollen dark red wound
I look at my empty hands, desolate,
and find tales of forgetting what I was born for
So I close my eyes
And imagine
Just for a moment
Being out. Out of this body. Out of the pain…
Tears roll down my cheeks and maybe
Maybe I wish I could,
but I don’t.

And in the end,
This
is what keeps us alive.

I take my life
and pull it back,
Inwards
I am not begging for any mercy.

“THE PICTURE OF ME”

Depression is a dish best served cold:

When the remnants of hope have become frozen icicles
on the porch ceiling
When the sun has stopped trying to shine through
When the day looks like night
and the night looks like death
When your demons are free to howl
As wolves on a frozen mountain top.

And in that ice-cold, post-apocalyptic, abandoned town
You still live.

Can you imagine the what power runs through you
When you use your own warmth to melt every piece of ice?
Each wolf runs terrified of the fire in your chest
You turn the sun into a lamp and burn it with oil made from your (un)dying hope.

So can you imagine what power runs through me
There is no moving out of here.

-x-

Hello. I finally wrote the next part of The Purge Series. This is, embracing the reality of living with depression and being proud of yourself for making it all the way here.