“Home To Me”

So recently one of my closest people lost someone they loved a lot. This is for my best friend.


 

Dark room, smell of nothingness
The cold wind touches your face, the same way that love had once done

You’ve seen your light fade,
Slowly
Take a deep breath
You can break down
Oh, you won’t regret
it.

Everything you gave your heart to
left you broken on the side of the pavement
that you painted
with the colour of your love
And everything you had
is coming to its end;

But don’t you give up
don’t look down
not for a second, because

You have still got me
Right by your side
So when you’ve said your goodbyes
Baby, come home to me.

And when the sky is falling down
I’ll be your only cloud-
No promises of a perfect tomorrow-
But I’ll be holding you
safe from the sorrow

So baby, come home to me!

In the dead of the night,
Or when the stars start to shine,
Or when you can’t walk anymore,

Will you run home to me?

The long way home5380_rectangle
credits to owner

To the woman who saved my life

(But couldn’t save her own)

“Verily, we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return”

I couldn’t get myself to write after you passed away.

I spent days and nights awake, crying; wondering if it was allowed for me to mourn your sudden death. I felt guilty, so damn guilty with every tear that came out of my eyes, you taught me how to be happy. It felt as if I was destroying your legacy. That I was ruining what you did for me, even when I knew you could not do it ever again.

You were the reason I got my life and light back, Allah chose you for that purpose. How could I be so selfish and needy in my humanness that I let you become the reason for my grief?

The first few days I kept calling your phone. Hoping every single time that it was some sort of huge misunderstanding, heck, even a stupid prank- anything but the truth!

I looked everywhere for answers, but found none. No one and nothing could tell me why it had to happen. Why did you have to save my life and lose your own? What was the purpose of the briefness of our acquaintance or friendship or love? Why did you touch my life when you had to be taken away?

For the first time in my life, I shut myself in. I hid, like a coward. Pretended to be okay. I acted like there was nothing wrong at all. I didn’t let anyone, not even my own self see my pain. I made the pain grey in hopes that the colours of the world will overpower it and it’ll just fade away. But that’s not what happened.

What happened was far worse.

In numbing myself towards the pain, I ended up being numb towards everything else too. The grey didn’t fade away it took over all else and suddenly the moon, stars and the laughter of little kids could not make me feel anything. The love I had in my life, of all kinds, stopped making sense, stopped feeling real. It was a downward spiral into nothingness and I had begun falling.

But then, as always, Allah found a way to get me back. One conversation, one best friend, a few hours and the walls just came crashing down. My heart was cut open again, bare and bleeding.

I missed you.

I loved you.

You were gone. And it hurt like hell.

But that was okay.

I found my answer. Why did you touch my life when you had to be taken away? Because verily, we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return. You were never mine to begin with. Allah didn’t take you away, Allah gave you to me. For whatever amount of time, just before He called you back to Him, He chose to let me know you. So basically, you weren’t my pain, Allah made you my blessing.

So you see, the focus has entirely changed and I’m finally happy again. I know if you could see me now you’d be so proud. And that’s when I miss you most- when I achieve something. I have become so much more beautiful than I ever dreamed of and I wish I had a way to thank you for that; but I know Allah must be taking care of that in your grave. I hope He gives you the highest spot in Jannah. Ameen.

But just between the two of us, I believe you’re still watching somehow. I hope you’re as proud of me as I am of myself. You should be proud of yourself too. Not many people around me even know you because they never even looked deep enough to know I was sick in the first place. And every time I laugh or do good or feel like the universe loves me I wish I could scream it out loud that you’re the reason I achieved this. I cannot talk about you now, because I cannot talk about my sickness.

But someday, I’ll make sure the whole world knows your name. I kept your business card and your last display picture on whatsapp.

whatsapp-image-2016-12-24-at-3-01-33-pm

And I will remember never to.

Love always,
Maria

Things watching death taught me.

1. If we knew the amount of time we had left with each person in our lives, all we would do is tell them we loved them, and show it. NOTHING else but  that.

2. Everytime we hug or kiss or shake hands with or make any kind of physical contact with anybody in our entire lives; we are actually touching their soul, not their body. I learnt this when I touched an actual body- held a cold dead hand.

3. The biggest regret is not giving your best self to people. You always end up wishing you knew then what you know now. So you could be with them, what you are now; and better.

4. It can be incredibly hard to sob over a death. Impossible even. And that’s okay. It does not mean you did not love the departed. In times like these, just pray. It’ll be okay.

5. There is always a threshold point in the life of the “dying-by-a-terminal-illness”. This is the point when they realize they’re actually quite sick and might not make it. Up until then, they refuse to accept the magnitude of their disease; or so they make it seem- which is not really a bad thing. But it is extremely painful to watch.

6. They really do see angels before their soul leaves their body. That’s how they know.

7. No words and no power can ease the pain and shock. Especially for the children and parents. Only time, by Allah’s help can diminish it. There will always be a hole in your heart from they once were.

8. Every time you achieve something, you’d wish they were still here.

9. Sometimes it would feel like they’re right above you somewhere in the stars, watching everything. They’d pay occassional visits to your dreams. And that would make you feel like you were chosen for their love from the heavens. Best feeling ever.

10. You will never stop loving them. Not one bit.