“The Road’s End”

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You walk with your head down
hands in your pockets
fidgeting around
for something to drown
out the noise that everyone is making.

Your mind is a clutter
like you, there’s no other
But all you can see is
the mess that you made in
the nonchalance of yesterday.

But darling, look up
look ahead to the beginning of tomorrow
You don’t need to run from your sorrows
I promised you
I’d be here to see it through

So here I am, looking at you!

The wonderful spark
from your eyes in the dark
the way you dissolve all the pain that you see
And people who touch you
Leave as joyous as me

Now you’re back alone at home
You look in the mirror,
tears down your cheeks
How did you make it out alive?

And when you speak, you stutter:
“Like me, there’s no other.”
You fought through the clouds,
searching for peace
Now the rainbows await you

Brace yourself, and come with me.


I cannot begin to tell you what it feels like, to be nearing the end of The Purge series, which was about overcoming the loudness of depression and anxiety and finding love for your own self. I never thought in my whole life that I would experience this, but Allah is great, Alhamdulillah. I thank every single person here who followed through my journey with past trauma and present mental illness. Your kind words have meant the world to me ❤ . 

“CRUELTY”- A LOVE STORY

love
Credits

How long will it take you to notice I’m  gone
How long till your heart is emptied out, like your empty arms
This is the last straw, the last firework shot up to the sky
In hopes that someone will see and come find me
I hope they will notice the shivers along my freezing skin
Hopefully they’ll have food and water and a blanket for me

I spent an hour telling myself I’m cruel
And it didn’t matter what you meant, what you said, even
The only voice was the one in my head
Cruel
For being sick
Cruel
For reaching out
Cruel
For putting you through the darkest paths I had to walk on; and you walked with me
Because I loved you and that
Was cruel of me.

But what is the definition of cruelty?

Is it my merciless cry for help
Knowing you cannot save me
Is it wanting you before me
Arms spread out, is it holding you
till you fall asleep?
Oh how cruel I am for loving every inch of you
How cruel that we made us all that we could be
You and I, that was the deal
Forevermore, we were sure
But how cruel are we to never give this up?
Is it cruel to love unconditionally,
in which case, we share the blame equally?

Or is it the wicked one
The shadow whispering from the reckless parts of me
The ones I still can’t control
“I’ll die of this I’m sure”, 
that’s all it says
and I promised I wouldn’t hurt myself
But it tells me I don’t need to, to die.

Just open your eyes! Your soul is gone;
And how long till they know
That when they hold you
Against their hearts
You stop the beating and burn them out?
How long will it take for you
to see the truth:
Nothing you do, matters. Nothing you are, matters.
Do not ever
touch love
ever again.

But they must have been right when they said that love saves your life
Cause all that keeps me alive,
is that I,
I love you,
Endlessly.


(More posts from this series)

“RUN!”

I have been feeling a bit extra jerky these past few days and I finally wrote Part 6 of “The Purge” series (yay). If you follow this blog you might know that The Purge is about my experience living with, and hopefully overcoming, mental illness, while also learning to accept my whole self- past, present and future.

The poem below is based on how when you find any kind of love and support while having a medical condition (in my case, a depressive disorder); it can be so overwhelming because you don’t think you deserve it and even worse, you have this overwhelming urge that before they wake up and realise how lousy you are, you should just get up, and

RUN!

Bang bang boom
Boom bang boom

After the crash I look at myself
Bruises and wounds,
Blood and debris,
Inhaling fumes.
I get up with a broken leg
Look behind and who
Is that, coming after me with a saw?
I hate that it looks like you

So I start running
Running without shoes
Oh the blisters may be bleeding
But I’ll be safe from truth.

I run and run till winter comes
I don’t stop when my feet go numb
All I know to do
Is run
I know I said I loved you
But what could I do
I was afraid
I am afraid
And running is all I want to do.

Running when the spring flowers brush against my ankles
Running in the summer heat, sweat
Dropping onto
The shadow I make for a moment
Before I run from it too, into

autumn leaves falling down
I’m tired but I can’t stop now
I have to get away from you
I have to find a way to
Protect this heart this body this mind
I have to take care of what’s mine
I have to get home…

Through seasons and  months
Of running from
The monters that make
My heart lose beats
And
My lungs forget to breathe
My eyes abandon sleep

Finally!
I get myself back home
Where else could I have gone
I ran right back to you.

“COME ALIVE”

Woman-Self-Love
Credits to artist

 

Blindsided-
To her own glistening light
She can’t see herself in the mirror
Can’t see herself in my eyes

I tell her: take it off!
This wolf skin
This lion roar
The scales of a predatory
reptile
Take it off, I say
There is no one coming after us
No one can take me away
I say
No one can break us today
I say, so take it off
And let me see.

I live for the cracks around your lips when you smile
I love how you love even when it means falling apart
I breathe in your soul the perfect blend of tears and laughter
Oh, don’t let me die tonight
I want to see you bare
Trust me,
We will be safe there
And you won’t have to hide
So darling come with me to come
Alive.
And don’t let me die.


Heyy loves. I hope you all are having beautiful lives, I am too Alhamdlillah. I struggle a lot with self love and especially these past few days were exceptionally hard to get through. So today in the early morning I wrote this poem. For the first time ever, a love letter to myself. 🙂 Hope you guys liked it!

Flowers in Tombs

My therapist told me that when I get anxiety and urges to self harm; that I should start writing. So last night, I did. (If you have trigger points, related to self harm, do not read further.) 

 

I’m a disease. An epidemic. And I’m gonna spread like I always do until everyone I love is the same broken worthless piece of shit as me. Until they also become dysfunctional.
The worst part about me is that I look like a wonderful human being but all that is a lie, a cover up to make people fall for this act of innocence and purity. And when they start to love me, oh boy. I start releasing my venom slowly into their veins until the began to need me and become paralysed. Then I heal them and act like I am an angel.
I’m a disease. An epidemic. I go around pretending I have a disease and I take medicines for it but that is not true. It’s all me.
And that is why I deserve these scratches on my arm. Heck I deserve them everywhere. I deserve blood coming out of my broken skin cause I am a seemingly beautiful mess that deceives nice people.
Why am I even asking for help and letting them know about this? Now that they have started to realize how full of shit I am and have begun to try and care for themselves away from me because they really can’t do it near me because I ruin it. Why now? I should stop. 11 times or 121; why should anyone know? Why not cut them all off and run away? Once and for all? Just me and my demons dancing together in perfect harmony cause we belong in each other’s arms.
It’s better than slowly being hated and hated and hated and hated and hated until one day they just say it out loud that I don’t deserve anything from them. It’s better to say it to myself beforehand. It’s better to leave everyone beforehand. Before I hurt them. Before I burn them. Before I make them bleed like they made me.

Damn, that felt good. I would say I’m sorry for making you read that but I’m really not. I wanted to show you what anxiety and depression look like and I was in it when it was the only reality I could see so I don’t want to apologise.
Now, to the “beautiful saviors” themselves, the mental illnesses.

First of all, fuck you.
I would say I hate you
but you’ve lived inside of me
For more years than I can count
And I don’t want to accidentally say I hate myself.

Come on, you already made me do that
nine thousand and two times
(not counting accidents).

You say you’re here to protect me from all the abhorrent people
but they seem to me, to be
the ones who birthed you within me
And now you want me to be the surrogate carrier?

I’m sorry but I don’t love you that way
Or them, for that matter.
You’re not here to save me
from anyone but myself.
And I’m the only good thing I know
So no.
Thanks.

I don’t want to be safe from my best friend,
Or my mom
Or even the boy who left,
These are my loves.
You can’t twist them and break me
and take them away.

You’re a perpetrator

A trespasser.
I know I fell for your tricks
and that should make me less than you
but fuck you
I am strong as hell.

And you can watch me someday,
spreading all the love I have in me,
today. And so can they.

For my heart will forever be open
Even if it’s scared to fall in love again
Even when it can’t trust people
or want to make my own bed
or eat
or sleep
or pray to my Allah.

You won the battle last night,
and I am going to have to carry these scars on my arms
as proofs, forever.
but fuck you
I’m winning the war.

HONEST, FOR ONCE.

Below is a post that I do not know what to call, as it is not a poem, or any form of literature that I know of. Bad times these days so I’m sorry I couldn’t write anything to make you happy. (“Wondrous” part 2 will come soon though, so don’tcha worry. 🙂 ) I just poured all my troublesome thoughts in one post and called it a day. We all do things like these sometimes don’t we? This is me being honest, from a point of utter loneliness and anxiety. I hope I make it through soon, God knows I’m trying my best. I hope this post helps me, and maybe helps someone else out there who feels the same, in feeling less alone. Get it? 😛 Confusing, I know haha! But maybe if I help the world a little, I’ll find peace easier. Love always! Hope you have a wonderful day. ❤

Hear! Madness is not far behind us!
I noticed its shadow lingering last night;
as I slipped into my seemingly safe bed.
I was not safe at all.

Hear! Doubts are eating us up!
I caught them with their greedy eyes;
piercing right through my body.
I was not sure at all.

What have we come to, my love?
We were set for the blue sky!
We were lit up fireflies!
We were pleasing laughter.

Now reduced to rotting piles of mud:
Obsessed with discovering ourselves;
looking for God while bathing in sins;
looking for love in lifeless screens.

We plea, save us now!
We have forgotten how to do it ourselves.
I have forgotten how to rise up and fly.
I want to grow wings again.

I am waiting for rescue,
will you be it for me?
Or will I be it for myself, like always?
I am waiting for happiness.

At least my hope still flares.