An Open Letter

Lately I’ve been looking back on love, the lost kind.

I spent a lot of time blaming myself for falling and staying in love with someone who left as soon as he came… and didn’t care to tell me about it. I felt dirty and used because I had spent a whole year missing, wanting, believing a lie. He had a million chances to tell me how he didn’t want it anymore but he didn’t. He was a coward who kept pretending.

There are two things I hate most in the world: lies and cowardice. Funny how my worst heartbreak (in the lovey dovey category) was a mixture of overwhelming amounts of these two.

Anyways it’s been a year since I confronted him and he owned up to how he had mentally broken up with me a year ago (fucked up, right?) And I’m really happy Alhamdulillah. He was never good enough for me, or to me. Always hid our love from the whole world like I was a sin.

The point of sharing all this with you guys is that sometimes you give something all that you possibly can, and it still goes and stabs you in the back where it hurts most. And that’s okay. It’s not your fault at all. It was only meant to teach you something and it left when you had learnt that. I feel like I hadn’t let go of him even after the confrontation but lately I have been looking back at love, and realizing that it has no lost kind. We only lose the person, not love itself.

As I type this, it’s 11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in bed with amazing weather outside (and within haha). I just finished talking to the person of my dreams who I love more everyday. He makes all my hopes and dreams feel achievable and helps me be more me than I had been in a long time. We make each other grow and he doesn’t ever have to hide that. We have been walking, crawling, soaring through life together for a while now and I’m so glad I made it through the phase where all I could do was doubt and question and question again why I felt happy and how there must be something fundamentally wrong with the universe because I was happy so much of the time and made new friends and got into the academic field of my dreams. I’m so happy that I stayed with him through all of this. And that he kept me sheltered in my worst storms.

Here’s to the people lost, and the life gained. May we all have the courage to get through the most painful chapters of our lives in order to live the most amazing ones. In sha Allah, ameen and bbye for now ❤

Things watching death taught me.

1. If we knew the amount of time we had left with each person in our lives, all we would do is tell them we loved them, and show it. NOTHING else but  that.

2. Everytime we hug or kiss or shake hands with or make any kind of physical contact with anybody in our entire lives; we are actually touching their soul, not their body. I learnt this when I touched an actual body- held a cold dead hand.

3. The biggest regret is not giving your best self to people. You always end up wishing you knew then what you know now. So you could be with them, what you are now; and better.

4. It can be incredibly hard to sob over a death. Impossible even. And that’s okay. It does not mean you did not love the departed. In times like these, just pray. It’ll be okay.

5. There is always a threshold point in the life of the “dying-by-a-terminal-illness”. This is the point when they realize they’re actually quite sick and might not make it. Up until then, they refuse to accept the magnitude of their disease; or so they make it seem- which is not really a bad thing. But it is extremely painful to watch.

6. They really do see angels before their soul leaves their body. That’s how they know.

7. No words and no power can ease the pain and shock. Especially for the children and parents. Only time, by Allah’s help can diminish it. There will always be a hole in your heart from they once were.

8. Every time you achieve something, you’d wish they were still here.

9. Sometimes it would feel like they’re right above you somewhere in the stars, watching everything. They’d pay occassional visits to your dreams. And that would make you feel like you were chosen for their love from the heavens. Best feeling ever.

10. You will never stop loving them. Not one bit.