Paint it over your heart. (Threads #36)

Remember this moment,

No crown, no jewels, no pretty dresses
Just the smell of heaven in your breath
The rays of sunshine dancing on your skin
You bite your lip and smile
When was the last time you got to get shy?
Remember this, paint it
over your heart!

Because, darling,
No one
can take this away.

(Read more threads)

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“RUN!”

I have been feeling a bit extra jerky these past few days and I finally wrote Part 6 of “The Purge” series (yay). If you follow this blog you might know that The Purge is about my experience living with, and hopefully overcoming, mental illness, while also learning to accept my whole self- past, present and future.

The poem below is based on how when you find any kind of love and support while having a medical condition (in my case, a depressive disorder); it can be so overwhelming because you don’t think you deserve it and even worse, you have this overwhelming urge that before they wake up and realise how lousy you are, you should just get up, and

RUN!

Bang bang boom
Boom bang boom

After the crash I look at myself
Bruises and wounds,
Blood and debris,
Inhaling fumes.
I get up with a broken leg
Look behind and who
Is that, coming after me with a saw?
I hate that it looks like you

So I start running
Running without shoes
Oh the blisters may be bleeding
But I’ll be safe from truth.

I run and run till winter comes
I don’t stop when my feet go numb
All I know to do
Is run
I know I said I loved you
But what could I do
I was afraid
I am afraid
And running is all I want to do.

Running when the spring flowers brush against my ankles
Running in the summer heat, sweat
Dropping onto
The shadow I make for a moment
Before I run from it too, into

autumn leaves falling down
I’m tired but I can’t stop now
I have to get away from you
I have to find a way to
Protect this heart this body this mind
I have to take care of what’s mine
I have to get home…

Through seasons and  months
Of running from
The monters that make
My heart lose beats
And
My lungs forget to breathe
My eyes abandon sleep

Finally!
I get myself back home
Where else could I have gone
I ran right back to you.

“Who”

Where will I go if I can’t come home
Who will I see waving at me
From the other room,

Who’s going to stay with me when I have bad dreams
Who’s going to tell me I’m not
what their words make me seem,

Who do I send jokes to at 2am
When I said goodnight at 11
Who will I stay up with at dawn to discuss hopes and reality,

Who comes to my wedding
Looking fly as can be
Who takes me home after a long rainy night,

Darling tell me who, after you
Will look after me
The way you do
Tell me who
Except for you
I’m gonna love like I love you?

Poor Women

You say the best thing I will ever do is be a mother

Like there is no other

Victory worth celebrating.

I will live a life so full of sacrifice, you say,

Because, “Poor women in this society”

Poor

Poor

Women.

If only we didn’t have thick skin, scars and broken hearts

from flying too close to the sun.

If only we hadn’t achieved all this life, all this- ‘us’ by ourselves

If only, someone was here to guide us through what made us strong

Because maybe our strong is wrong?

If only we hadn’t learnt how to say, “I am done with your shit” and walk away-

Poor women!

If only we didn’t have so much space to breathe.


Ahh just a random rant cause I feel inspired right now haha.

“COME ALIVE”

Woman-Self-Love
Credits to artist

 

Blindsided-
To her own glistening light
She can’t see herself in the mirror
Can’t see herself in my eyes

I tell her: take it off!
This wolf skin
This lion roar
The scales of a predatory
reptile
Take it off, I say
There is no one coming after us
No one can take me away
I say
No one can break us today
I say, so take it off
And let me see.

I live for the cracks around your lips when you smile
I love how you love even when it means falling apart
I breathe in your soul the perfect blend of tears and laughter
Oh, don’t let me die tonight
I want to see you bare
Trust me,
We will be safe there
And you won’t have to hide
So darling come with me to come
Alive.
And don’t let me die.


Heyy loves. I hope you all are having beautiful lives, I am too Alhamdlillah. I struggle a lot with self love and especially these past few days were exceptionally hard to get through. So today in the early morning I wrote this poem. For the first time ever, a love letter to myself. 🙂 Hope you guys liked it!

“GAMES”

Below is part 5 of “The Purge” series.
This is the first poem I’ve written that talks about some part of the experience of womanhood as a whole, in terms of my own personal journey as well as the women I see around me in the world. I really hope you like it! 🙂


 

I am not a glorified playground-
easy to run all over.
I am not your sandcastle by the beach-
easy to wash away,
with a little bit of saltiness from the sea.

I will not be your battlefield!
To shoot who you want
with my mouth;
to slay men like you, for you,
with my smiles;
to stab to death
whom you owe debts
to,
with the touch of my fingers on their skin.

I will not be sold,
or bought,
or traded,
or advertised.

Shrinking,
to leave more space for your confidence
to fit in.
Your hollow pride,
from harming those who did not know how to fight…

Everything!

I punished myself for, for decades
ever since I learnt the meaning of punishment.

 

-II-

 

If you think my lips are sewn with battle cries,
think again!
I use each word I write
as rungs of a ladder, climbing up,
and over these walls of shame
that you had decided to lock me within.

I am tired
of men like you
who think I am their plaything
That I am a right
they were born with
and there’s nothing left,
of me to stop them.

You use me
and teach me
to be ashamed of it;
of everything I know you did.

I will not sit here washing away the stains
of my… being.
You do not get to escape, spotless.

These are not my sins,
not my stains,
not my cages,
not
my
shame.

Hereby, I return it all to you
whom it rightfully belongs to,
I quit your circus, your poker games
that only you could ever win-

Congratulations, on losing.

 

“THE PAST, THE PRESENT AND PROMISES”

Part 4 of “The Purge” series: 


 

I used to wear my halo
like the devil wears his pride
Well, look here, I broke it now
The truth, I will not hide.
No more never swearing
at assholes, no more smiles.
And when you say, ‘fuck you’
I say, ‘you’re too late to the party’

mmm…kay?

Did you think this would continue to rhyme?
No, it wouldn’t.

My slightly broken, slightly erratic,
badass-as-hell self, welcomes you!

This body is my turf now-
I will fill it with flowers,
paintings, and chandeliers made of dewdrops
… and healthy food maybe?
I will decorate the walls with awards:
“Congratulations on getting up today!”,
“Congratulations on working out!”
“Congratulations on not killing yourself, or wanting to!”
“Congratulations on making it this far”

I will tell it
that it does not have to bend, or break
every time somebody wants
to feed their ego with its cries.
You can go around me,
if I’m taking up too much space.

Now I won’t lie and act
like I don’t care anymore;
My heart still breaks
when a little kid fixes my car,
when babies are thrown away if their body parts,
do not conform to the rules of normalcy,
when you tell me that I’m
too damaged,
too erratic,
too caring,
too
much
me,

It stings.

And it stings most of all, to fight back.
It stings to let the light in
It stings to like being loved
It stings to not hate, loving me.

But watch as I do it any way.
For the darkness may be comfortable,
familiar,
even easy;

but the light,
oh the light!
When it runs through my veins like electricity,
I think,

I could do this forever,
And never get burnt.