“BLOOD.”

The last part of The Purge Series. This took me a long time to write because my body was physically hurting as I let go of all this, as I purged myself of the last and the most difficult thing holding me back- the enablers of abuse aka my adults. I want to be free. And after this, I hope I am. 
Thank you all for sticking with me through this. I appreciate you more than you can ever know. ❤ 


sad 2

BLOOD.

He wrote his name in my blood
and you yelled at me for being hurt

Just 4 years old
I learnt the taste of his blow
before I could learn to write a eulogy
for all the dreams I used to have
and all the broken pieces of my spirit
scattered all over my own home

You told me to forgive him
Taught me how God’s good people give out chances
like free candy, I gave out my peace and dignity
letting him hurt me

And you said to love him more
I loved myself less and less

Every time I called you my best friend,
you brought him in to help tie me down
Because you could never figure out
just how to keep me close

The chains burned my ankles
You were not there to soothe me
And in my misery,
I ran to you each time you were hurt
by the same demons I begged you to lock up
All I wanted was to do something right,
for once in your life!

But you said I was just like him.
And I came back,
wounds still fresh
No band-aids left.

They say blood runs thicker than water;
well my blood fills up my lungs till there is no air left in them.
Then you bang on the door
Telling me to get up when I faint on the floor.

He has used me up
worn me out till it couldn’t ache anymore
He is
done
with me.
I hope you are ready

’cause now he wants you devoured,
beaten and broken down, just like me.

And here you are again
calling out my name
You are losing your mind,
but he has just begun.

Don’t you look through the glass door
My walls won’t let you inside anymore

I cannot keep looking after
your mistakes
and the mess you’ve made
My heart is still a little girl
I won’t let you overshadow her,
She needs me to hold her
to be what you never were

and it’s time for you,
to grow up.

“The Road’s End”

black-and-white-dark-rain-79513

You walk with your head down
hands in your pockets
fidgeting around
for something to drown
out the noise that everyone is making.

Your mind is a clutter
like you, there’s no other
But all you can see is
the mess that you made in
the nonchalance of yesterday.

But darling, look up
look ahead to the beginning of tomorrow
You don’t need to run from your sorrows
I promised you
I’d be here to see it through

So here I am, looking at you!

The wonderful spark
from your eyes in the dark
the way you dissolve all the pain that you see
And people who touch you
Leave as joyous as me

Now you’re back alone at home
You look in the mirror,
tears down your cheeks
How did you make it out alive?

And when you speak, you stutter:
“Like me, there’s no other.”
You fought through the clouds,
searching for peace
Now the rainbows await you

Brace yourself, and come with me.


I cannot begin to tell you what it feels like, to be nearing the end of The Purge series, which was about overcoming the loudness of depression and anxiety and finding love for your own self. I never thought in my whole life that I would experience this, but Allah is great, Alhamdulillah. I thank every single person here who followed through my journey with past trauma and present mental illness. Your kind words have meant the world to me ❤ . 

“TO THEM AND TO YOU”

My love will not be an apology:

-I-

It stands tall in the midst of your clenched teeth,
your hissing, snickering laughter
Thought I’d come after
your tantrums about how bad I am treating you.
How selfish,
As I wished
to die so you could live.

If stopping you means locking myself in your cage
I am ready.
To tame the hyena, all I need is a lion heart.
Even if it tears me apart,
I will not let you devour my love.

II

My love, this is not what we’re meant to be.

I will not fall for the games they try to play
I will find a way
for both of us to stay!
Just stay with me.

My love, my very best friend
If this were made to end
It would have fallen apart months ago.
I prayed to God to turn me cold
if this,
if this was made to end.

But me, I am as warm as the midsummer day
when I first learnt how you smell
as warm
as the safety of my palm, beneath your face
When you fell asleep in class

No, honey, this was made to last!
All the way to kingdom come.

I will build anew, 
I will not apologise for loving you.


Hey everyone. Depression is hard these days because circumstances. But I am holding on. I hope you all do too ❤
P.S. you are all welcome to read more of “The Purge Series”, here.

“We do.”

The more I try to run away, the more I spiral down
Treading on eggshells in the very city
where they took away my crown
I’m still unafraid, still terrified
Still clinging on to hope
Sometimes I’m pushed to wonder why
I couldn’t let it go
Why does this spirit never tire
of losing every battle it fights?
The victory comes slow, in small doses
Sometimes only once in a war.

What is the point of carrying your head high,
When there is no body left to hold it?
A dignified corpse;
A walking lost cause-
I am all the things I swore I never was.

And you return cold as ice, from the house they are burning down
The one we had built in a century:
In a single moment of complete and utter truth.

But they broke the windows with boulders made of hopelessness
Catapulting in like grenades;
And they took away our smiles
With the raging burning fire!
So now, we are left standing by.
We wonder how it turned you cold
While I got buried in its ashes.

They are stronger than us, I know
The monsters always are, that’s why we call them monsters.
But you and I, we have more power as one,
Than a thousand lost homes.
Or at least I hope we do.
Because God knows we have tried not to love each other.
But God knows,
We do.

Artist: Stoian Hitrov

“THE BEAST”

You taught me how to hate myself
when my soul did not recognise the icy breath
of self loathe on my neck
Ready to chew down my heart and let the blood splatter everywhere
Ready to drag me to a lonely forest where it would devour me whole
And God knows it almost did;
God knows, I almost let it.

I practised not trembling at the sight of you
For two whole years
And only then could I learn to smile with my teeth
Because you see, the absence of crippling fear does not equal happiness
And the fact that I’m not scared of you
Does not mean it won’t hurt when I lose

You talk, no, you bark like you can sniff a terrible secret about me
And you’re doing me a favour by not writing it all over the walls of this city
Well let me say this,
You are a beast that can never come close to uncovering me
To knowing that heart you broke a million times
A little girl with glistening eyes
You wanted to kill her spirit and God knows
you almost did. God knows I almost let you.
But I did not know what to do
When the rains came down and my lungs filled with water
but you said I was the one lightning up the skies
My thunder was too dangerous and I was told to shut it up!
Slow it down”
“Don’t be loud!”
“You’re pretending to be choking
Just drop the act and calm down”

Always one step ahead in knowing what I was
Well let me say this,
You are a beast but you will not devour me
My flesh was made with the spoils of war
My blood as bitter as a thousand corpses
My heart as warm as the scorching heat
Of the open battlefield
So if you ever even try
to come close to me

You will burn
And choke
And throw me up
Like a rotten tangerine

And I will watch
as your animal instincts turn you into the
monster you made me out to be

I am a child of starlight!
And you,
You are just a beast.


“The Purge” series, part 12. 

“THE SHOOTING STAR”

I have had the absolute shittiest night possible and I couldn’t sleep with all of it in my head so here is my first and only draft of a new poem. Part 11 of The Purge Series;

“The Shooting Star”

For them it’s always just a game

I screamed for help but help never came

Falling down an endless rabbit hole

Not sure

What to share and what to hide

Might as well be dying tonight

The ashes are burning me out

And no one here to clear my doubts

Before they turn to crystal ice

And no one there to save my light

The night is long, but you are strong”

It screams, “All that is fucking wrong!”

And I have no choice but to believe

Cause everyone else has already left me

The brightest flame is a broken star

And it looks breathtaking from afar

But don’t you know the catch therein?

You see it

only after, it has reached

it’s irrevocable end.

“COLOUR BLIND”

I made it to part 10 of The Purge Series!!

In case you are new, (Hi btw), this series of poems is about living and dealing with mental illness and overcoming two decades of self-hatred. It came to life when I stopped writing like it was all rainbows and butterflies and started being honest with myself- that idea is what birthed this series. “The Purge”, as in, cleaning out what has been buried inside forever. Hope you like it! 🙂

(For anyone interested, I updated my About Page from a cringe-y 16 year old’s rambling old to a proper adult’s rambling. So check that out as well!)


“COLOUR BLIND”

Spread out your arms
the weight on your chest
is bringing you down

Look up to the sky
asking God why
Beg Him to forgive you
for being written in stone

You never went with the flow
and now you’re a river
making waves in the middle of a silent valley that He called beautiful.

Why couldn’t you grow into flowers?
Why did you have to be a garden of your own:
Home to thorns, and butterflies.

Oh I don’t know why
I can’t escape myself
God knows I’ve tried and I apologise,
I was never supposed to
spread my arms, wide
the weight on my chest is bringing me down

I let go and fly
And God says I’m beautiful
But maybe you are colour blind.