Lately I’ve been looking back on love, the lost kind.
I spent a lot of time blaming myself for falling and staying in love with someone who left as soon as he came… and didn’t care to tell me about it. I felt dirty and used because I had spent a whole year missing, wanting, believing a lie. He had a million chances to tell me how he didn’t want it anymore but he didn’t. He was a coward who kept pretending.
There are two things I hate most in the world: lies and cowardice. Funny how my worst heartbreak (in the lovey dovey category) was a mixture of overwhelming amounts of these two.
Anyways it’s been a year since I confronted him and he owned up to how he had mentally broken up with me a year ago (fucked up, right?) And I’m really happy Alhamdulillah. He was never good enough for me, or to me. Always hid our love from the whole world like I was a sin.
The point of sharing all this with you guys is that sometimes you give something all that you possibly can, and it still goes and stabs you in the back where it hurts most. And that’s okay. It’s not your fault at all. It was only meant to teach you something and it left when you had learnt that. I feel like I hadn’t let go of him even after the confrontation but lately I have been looking back at love, and realizing that it has no lost kind. We only lose the person, not love itself.
As I type this, it’s 11am on a Sunday morning and I’m in bed with amazing weather outside (and within haha). I just finished talking to the person of my dreams who I love more everyday. He makes all my hopes and dreams feel achievable and helps me be more me than I had been in a long time. We make each other grow and he doesn’t ever have to hide that. We have been walking, crawling, soaring through life together for a while now and I’m so glad I made it through the phase where all I could do was doubt and question and question again why I felt happy and how there must be something fundamentally wrong with the universe because I was happy so much of the time and made new friends and got into the academic field of my dreams. I’m so happy that I stayed with him through all of this. And that he kept me sheltered in my worst storms.
Here’s to the people lost, and the life gained. May we all have the courage to get through the most painful chapters of our lives in order to live the most amazing ones. In sha Allah, ameen and bbye for now ❤