“RELAPSE”

I have been quite lost from here lately, and it’s because I feel like I have fallen into a bit of a pit in life, and in my battle with depression. I really thought I was almost through to the end, but I have been experiencing some of the worst episodes despite having a lot of amazing things. (Including two people who have given me uninterrupted, unconditional love through all this, and that makes me feel guilty, I know it shouldn’t).
Anyways, I tried putting it into words, this is another part of THE PURGE SERIES, and it is called Relapse:


mroczny-aniol,-krew,-kleks-185924.jpg

I used to adore moonlight,
silver,
as it seeped into my soul
I loved counting stars
Drew constellations in the sky, tell me when
did that bubble burst?
When did I stop drawing hearts on my wrist
And lost count of the scars?

From the tips of my fingers all the way down to my toes
I am trembling,
Like a broken cloud that had forgotten
what weather it bore.
And the lightning, it strikes
Inwards,
because I told it to!
I cannot predict the storm, but I can deflect it to save you.

And I know that we’ve got love to give, I know you’re both here
But I keep seeing ships sink-
How long before our sails tear?
I am not one for surrendering but the voice in my head
says for all that you’ve lost, why not
this time,
you disappear instead?

I look around the empty room
The swollen dark red wound
I look at my empty hands, desolate,
and find tales of forgetting what I was born for
So I close my eyes
And imagine
Just for a moment
Being out. Out of this body. Out of the pain…
Tears roll down my cheeks and maybe
Maybe I wish I could,
but I don’t.

And in the end,
This
is what keeps us alive.

I take my life
and pull it back,
Inwards
I am not begging for any mercy.

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10 thoughts on ““RELAPSE”

  1. Hi Maria. I am Lala. Don’t know if you remember me or not. But I am like you, trust me I am. I guess everyone whose fighting with depression is. That means every single person on earth is. It’s only that some people are more sensitive than others. I could lecture you on thinking positive, getting out of darkness, finding a purpose in life, doing things that make you happy. But i won’t. Because you already know it. I know it’s hard, and i know you have to get through it in the hope that it will pass a d the next day would be better thab this one. Just keep your hopes alive and all will be fine 🙂 Good luck and take care of yourself xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. And this comment literally is so sweet. Thank you so so much. I seriously love you. It means so much to me. I needed to hear this I think.

      But hey what if you’re only sweet because you don’t know me and don’t know how bad I am

      Like

      1. Haha, Maria. I am not being sweet to you. I support you, with all my heart. And no matter how much bad you think you have done, i have seen and done worse, trust me. So you will always be like a white clean fairy compared to me. We all think we are mosters from inside but you know what? That’s only our mind making us feel thay way. You have to defeat it 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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