I don’t know what to write.
I’m sitting on the bed, in a hotel room, laptop on my lap (I guess that’s why they called it that, now you know if you didn’t know before), because I’m not home, I’m actually in another city for some official stuff that I’m thankfully too young to be forced to care about. Don’t get me wrong, I like to think of myself as a responsible, organised lady 😉 (don’t we all?) so I worry about official things at times, but that isn’t the same as actually being forced to care about them because if you don’t, God knows how many people you will affect. ANYWAYS.
Point was, I don’t know what to write. It has been going on for a while now. I don’t know what it is exactly. I just can’t write. I mean maybe it’s one of those phases, maybe something else.
Okay fine I’ll be honest with you.
I’m just really scared of what sort of demons will jump out of my head and onto the paper if I hold my pencil and try to write. I’m scared of the confessions I will make, the ones I don’t even want to think about, when I take my armor off, because at least for me, that’s the kind of thing that you have to do when you write non-fiction stuff. And it’s not that I don’t want you to see inside my mind because that’s what I willingly signed up for when I chose to write and publish my work. I’m actually afraid of my own self seeing inside my mind.
It’s just one of those things that you run after, for a long, long time, no matter how many bruises you get along the way, only to be hit with the harsh reality that the time when you thought that you had finally caught up, was exactly the time when you realized that you are so damn far away that you never really will hold victory in your hands.
And that’s when you are told, by people and by the little voice in your head, to simply move on.
Although, trust me, I have tried. I maybe even have succeeded. But I think it’s mostly an illusion. you can’t truly just leave something you terribly wanted, behind you, even when it pushed you away time and time again. Even if I’m wrong here, and you can, then know that a single word, voice, smell, or dream can pull you and put you right back at square one. And then you have to go through the whole “I’ll just fake being good until I actually feel good” episode over again.
Sometimes it feels as though you’re stuck in a cycle, of different states of mind, that is bound to repeat itself. Until one day will come maybe, when it will not? You think so? Because I don’t know… I am not even close to that day yet. .
OH MY GOD I just realized how much I wrote while ranting about how I feel unable to create something with the human superpower-words. Haha! 😛 sorry if I bored you though. It was like the “being a therapist” session that you never wanted. Is it evil of me to feel a sense of accomplishment that I made you read through the whiny and annoying part of my brain? I hope not.
What I do know is that it is completely fine to feel a sense of accomplishment when you’ve followed your own advice and “talked (or written, in this case) any way”, and actually broken THE GREAT WALL inside your head. This is good guys. You all should do this too. I was blocked, in every sense of the word, (except literal thank God) and now I’m not. Yay!
Thank you for reading, and congratulations on witnessing my completely honest transition from the beginning to end of this post. See you soon. I wish I could tell you any more posts won’t be this long, but sorry, I don’t make promises I can’t always keep. 😉 I MOSTLY don’t write stuff that is this long. So good bye for now, have a great day, and I hope you don’t unfollow me for this 😛